Thursday, December 29, 2005

This is not a pretty picture...

On Friday, my neighbour took a beating. In his house. On my street.

And I didn’t know it was happening.

Now when I say he took a beating, you have to understand that this is a man who has never said boo to a goose. And he is bloody black and blue all down the right fist side with grabs up the neck, and that's enough to convince me that he was held and he was beaten.

Me I've boo-ed a few gooses in my time. And some of the geese have given me a right flap back. Fair play to them.

But not this guy. He’s a non-combatant and older as well.

He slept last night on my sofa as our guest and he can’t remember or won’t remember what happened after she threw the first punch.

I am no forensic scientist, but from his injuries - I'd say it was very one sided. I'd never hit a woman but I wouldn't let that happen to me.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Wrapping Presents (With a Cat)

1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.

2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door.

3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.

4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.

5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.

6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.

7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.

8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string.

9. Remove present from bag.

10. Remove cat from bag.

11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.

12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.

13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.

14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore the paper.

15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the present came out of.

16. Place present on cut-to-size paper.

17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now don't reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and retry.

18. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent sticky tape.

19. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.

20. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.

21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon.

22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.

23. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat's enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end.

24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.

25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is right size for sheet of paper.

26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.

27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.

28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room.

29. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials.

30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and re-lock.

31. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the small area of the toilet, but try your best!)

32. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas.

33. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on making good of a bad job.

34. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.

35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious conclusion.

36. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.

37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and retire to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door is locked.

38. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver's face, as they try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped present.

39. Swear to yourself that next year, you will get the shop to wrap the damn thing for you.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Pope goes for a festive look

If I needed another reason to confirm my generally anti-religion viewpoint, this has got to be it!

This scary individual is Pope Benedict XVI appearing at the Vatican wearing a Santa-style hat.

The Pope appeared in St Peter's Square wearing a red cloak and a red velvet hat lined with white fur.

Officials said the hat, known as a camauro, has been part of the papal wardrobe since the 12th century.

It has not been worn in public since the death of John XXIII in 1963 reports The Telegraph.

In my humble opinion this is not a child-friendly Christmas image...

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

A Further Christmas Restructure

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne and environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavourable press.

I am pleased to announce that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load", was an unfortunate comment made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under extreme stress.

Category: Jokes_

Christmas Restructure

Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" division:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent roles that are simply not cost-effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The French hens will remain intact. After all, everybody loves the French... or at least French food.

The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by Human Resources will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are in order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work Hereditary Peers. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because there is an oversupply of unemployed Peers.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the Law Society seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to determine if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Category: Jokes_


I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that were there, the lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then I had to have you for my own. Willingly, you came with me to my home.

From the car, I carried you & threw open the door. Looking at you, I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts. Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender white skin. From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms, to the warm water that awaits.

The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin.

My hands rub your body, ummmm running them through the beads of water. Making them trickle down off your body. I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready.

I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came through the door.

As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You are ready now and so am I.

I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take in. I put in more, you take it willingly.

In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as far as I can, until I can't put any more in, you are so tight. With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it, I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from within.

Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and tender. I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so good. Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you more, with every taste.

"Oh yes", I say to you, I must say Grace, "Thank God for Butterball turkey.... Amen"

(What did you think I was talking about?)

Category: Jokes_

Monday, December 19, 2005

Nu Holiday Regulations

This will be the last year in which children get free presents from Santa. As from December 2006, the government is planning to introduce a system of loans whereby children will eventually have to pay back all the money spent on toys and games that generations of kids have always taken for granted. This will only apply to English children, Scottish ones will be subsidised by English taxpayers.

It is estimated that by the time the average English child goes to secondary school, he or she will owe Father Christmas approximately £10,000. The government has defended these so-called "Santa loans", pointing out that they will be at a low rate of interest and there will be exemptions for children from poorer families.

Children in the capital will be particularly badly hit following a ruling that Santa's sleigh will not be exempt from the congestion charge, which transport groups say will inevitably be passed on to the kids, or "customers" as they are now known.

Last year a misguided attempt to get Santa off his sleigh and on to public transport backfired when he spent the whole of Christmas Eve stuck in a tunnel on the Underground with a load of drunken office workers in nylon Santa hats. Many of them were later sued for having unofficial Santa merchandise.

The traditions of Christmas have always changed to reflect the spirit of the age, but this will in fact be the last year that there will be any Father Christmas, any presents, any days off work or indeed any peace for all mankind.

But hey, Happy Christmas anyway!

Categories: Daft PC Crap_, England_, Jokes_

Power to the People!

Thanks to Wonko for drawing my attention to a new resource regarding English representation. English Parliament says it all.

Category: England_

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Friday's Full Moon

In case you missed it, Friday's full moon was the biggest and brightest it's been for 18 years. This phenomenon is part of the Saros cycle which saw the moon's orbit brought closest to Earth. It does this every 18 years and 11.3 days to be precise.

According to Dr Jim O'Donnell, of the Royal Greenwich Observatory, it was also "higher in the sky than usual. The combination of those two very rare circumstances gives us a rather spectacular full Moon."

For the same reason the Moon in June appeared lower in the sky than it had for 20 years, creating the optical illusion that it was larger - when viewed in relation to the horizon.

I know a lot has been written debunking any scientific connection between lunar cycles and human behaviour, however those of you with women folk may find it reassuring that this is not going to happen again for another 18 years!

£281 surcharge on every English Taxpayer

Via the Campaign for an English Parliament and reported in the Scotsman.

It seems that Scotland's annual subsidy from England has doubled since Labour came to power, up to a record £2,200 a head, according to the Scottish Executive.

Official figures have shown £45.3bn was spent in Scotland in 2003-04 but only £34bn recovered in taxation. This puts Scotland in a rare club of countries where state spending is more than half of the entire economy, and leaves an £11.3 billion gap, which has to be filled by tax collected in England, as Wales and Northern Ireland are also heavily subsidised.

Granted the figures exclude North Sea oil tax, but for the year in question, only £4.3bn was collected from North Sea revenue. If every penny had gone to Scotland , it would still have left a £7bn gap that still equates to a £281 surcharge on every English taxpayer.

This outrageous state of affairs is brought about by the grossly unfair "Barnett Formula" which is perpetuated by Westminster’s "Scottish Mafia", itself famously disowned by its own author "it has become increasingly unfair to the regions of England. I didn’t create this formula to give Scotland an advantage over the rest of the country when it comes to public funding."

But until Blair and Brown are voted out, it seems the English will continue to foot the bill for the Scots while English kids are burdened with crippling debt for the privilege of a university education.

Here's a festive little ditty on the subject from Gareth.

Category: England_

One for the Legal Eagles...

I'm not clear why this has come up in the Yorshire Evening Post today.

A SENIOR judge has caused a huge storm by ruling that 21 Leeds soccer fans jailed and handed football banning orders are FREE to go to the World Cup in Germany next year. The decision, by the Recorder of Leeds, Judge Norman Jones QC, has prompted police to express "disappointment" that the soccer hooligans were not handed international bans on top of the eight-year ban from domestic games.

By all accounts the police were widely quoted as being extremely pleased with the Judge's tough sentencing at the time. According to the Guardian back in August, Detective Superintendent Phil Sedgwick said the police were pleased with the custodial sentences and removal of the hooligans from Leeds United matches. He said: "It is exactly the message we want to send to people who commit violence at football matches, or indeed anywhere: they will be chased, caught and be imprisoned."

Yet now Chief Supt Geoff Dodd, divisional commander of City and Holbeck police division, which covers the Elland Road ground, is telling the Yorkshire Evening Post: "We are greatly disappointed that the full powers of the court were not brought to bear in these cases. It is highly likely that the unwanted hooligan element who are prepared to cause trouble at home will be just as inclined to be involved in disorder abroad".

We're told that at the time of sentencing Judge Jones made clear that he would not extend the ban to cover overseas games because there was no "international dimension" to any of the offences.

While the Government's Football Banning Orders Authority (FBOA) has told those convicted of causing trouble at the match that they CANNOT go to the World Cup in Germany next June, a court source is reported as confirming, "In this situation, any of the defendants could go to court and ask for a judicial review, in the divisional court, to argue that the FBOA is acting outside its powers."

So why is this news today? Does this mean that the Police have only just spotted that they might just look like mugs for being so pleased back in August? Or has someone lodged a legal challenge?

Category: Football_

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

100,000 English? That's a whole lot of beer and sausages!

It's good to hear via Reuters that the German authorities are taking comfort from the fact that they have managed to seed the "large European footballing nations" so as to keep them apart in the opening group phase. So Holland, England and Germany don't get to fight until the second round.

There is a bit of a heads up for Germany v Poland on 14th June given the brawl a couple of weeks ago, but Michael Endler, head of the German police unit monitoring hooliganism is admirably phlegmatic about the meet, "We are regarding it in a relaxed way. There's no reason for particular concern."

He's showing quite a bit of bottle all round really given that he's expecting an army of around 100,000 Englishmen - that's quite an outing!

Critics have said Germany is inviting trouble by encouraging fans without tickets to visit the country and watch matches on giant screens in major cities.

"It's like medicine. The primary effect is to give many people the opportunity to be as close as possible to the action. But it can have negative side effects," Endler said.

"However, I think the positive will overpower the negative."

I hope so too Herr Endler!

Category: Football_

Monday, December 12, 2005

There is no god.

"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able?
Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing?
Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing?
Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing?
Then why call him God?"

My daughter's very dear friend wrapped his car round a tree on the way to school on Friday morning. He was trying to avoid a deer. This morning they switched off his life support and he's gone.

He was eighteen years old.

There is no fucking god! Not one that I can pray to anyway!

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Tories seize lead in polls

Well the Sunday Times has an interesting story.

Cameron’s approval rating, with a net 34% of people expecting him to do well, is well above that for Blair and Charles Kennedy, the Lib Dem leader. More significantly, it easily outstrips Gordon Brown’s rating, which has slumped. His net approval rating was 41% before the general election; now it is just 4%.

Let's have that again. Cameron 34% - Brown 4%.

But what if the economy continues to slide - heavens he might really become unpopular!

Politically Correct Christmas Greeting

From us ("the wishor") to you ("hereinafter called the wishee").

Please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all

... and a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects whose contributions to society have helped make Britain great, (not to imply that Britain is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "BRITAIN" in the western hemisphere), and having regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or dietary preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that-

* This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal.

* This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.
* This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.

* This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.

* This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.

* The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor.

* Any references in this greeting to "the Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Saviour", or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

Category: Daft PC Crap_

A Politically Correct Christmas Story

"And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger because there was no room for them in the inn. And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, "I bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior, which is Christ the Lord." (Luke 2:4-11)

"There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee who happened to be strolling by the stable. As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public property where such symbols were not allowed to land or even hover.

"Besides," said a Sadducee who was with him, "there are no such things as angels, and telling a child that they're real will only hinder the child's emotional development."

"And I have to tell you," said the Pharisee, "this whole thing looks very much like a Nativity scene. That's a no-no, too."

Joseph had a bright idea. "What if I put a couple of reindeer over there near the ox and ass?" he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife.

"That would definitely help," said the Pharisee, who knew as well as anyone that whenever a saviour appeared, judges usually liked to be on the safe side and surround it with deer or woodland creatures of some sort. "Just to clinch it, throw in a candy cane and a couple of elves and snowmen, too," he said. "No court can resist that."

Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with snowmen?"

"Snowpersons," cried a young woman, changing the subject before it veered dangerously toward religion.

Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was painting the Nativity scene. Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too tattered and worn in the picture. "Artistic license," he said. "I've got to show the plight of the haggard homeless in a greedy, uncaring society in winter," he quipped.

"We're not haggard or homeless. The inn was just full," said Mary.

"Whatever," said the painter.

Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected to Jesus' birth "because it privileged motherhood." The other scoffed at virgin births, but said that if they encouraged more attention to diversity in family forms and the rights of single mothers, well, then, she was all for them.

"I'm not a single mother," Mary started to say, but she was cut off by a third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a form of child abuse, since they restrict the natural movement of babies.

With the arrival of ten child advocates, all trained to spot infant abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the edge of the crowd, where arguments were breaking out over how many reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites) had to be installed to compensate for the infant's unfortunate religious character.

An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants, who had been busy debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and whether the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in the crib or merely standing to the side, jumping around like a sports mascot.

"I'd hold off on the reindeer," the man said, explaining that the use of asses and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity scenes carries the subliminal message of human dominance. He passed out two leaflets, one denouncing manger births as invasions of animal space, the other arguing that stables are "penned environments" where animals are incarcerated against their will. He had no opinion about elves or candy canes.

Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to appear, referring to the obviously exploited ass and ox. Someone said the halo on Jesus' head was elitist.

Mary was exasperated. "And what about you, old mother?" she said sharply to an elderly woman. "Are you here to attack the shepherds as prison guards for excluded species, maybe to complain that singing in Latin identifies us with our Roman oppressors, or just to say that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity and joined some dumb new-age goddess religion?"

"None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to tell you that the Magi are here." Sure enough, the three wise men rode up.

The crowd gasped, "They're all male!" And "Not very multicultural!"

"Balthasar here is black," said one of the Magi.

"Yes, but how many of you are gay or disabled?" someone shouted. A committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished lesbian wise-person among the halt and lame of Bethlehem.

A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, you have done well and your son will change the world."

At last, a sane person, Mary thought. She turned to see a radiant and confident female face.

The woman spoke again: "There is one thing, though. Religious holidays are important, but can't we learn to celebrate them in ways that unite, not divide? For instance, instead of all this business about 'Gloria in excelsis Deo,' why not just 'Season's Greetings'?"

Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human history to deliver the message, 'Hello, it's winter'?"

"That's harsh, Mary," said the woman. "Remember, your son could make it big in midwinter festivals, if he doesn't push the religion thing too far. Centuries from now, in nations yet unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and have big office parties on his birthday. That's not chopped liver."

"Let me get back to you," Mary said.

In the meantime the Magi had been asked by others how much their gifts had cost, and when told the price several protested and said the money could have been better spent on the poor and homeless. "Besides," said one, "what can a baby do with gold, frankincense, and myrrh?"

"You don't understand," said one of the Magi, "we brought these gifts to honour and worship this child who has been born King of the Jews."

Whereupon the child advocates protested that adults should not pre-determine a child's future. "It should be left up to the child to decide for himself what he wants to be."

One of the shepherds called out from the back of the crowd: "The prophet Micah wrote that out of Bethlehem would come a Ruler to shepherd God's people"

"That's just a myth," said the head of the Prophet's Seminar who had just arrived with his committee. "We scholars have determined that the prophets actually said very little of what they are credited with saying, and everything they reportedly said about a Messiah was added years later by other writers."

"How did you determine that?" asked Joseph.

The most intelligent member of the Prophet's Seminar was chosen as spokesperson and replied, "We cast lots."

After much talking, the various advocates agreed to meet again at a later date in a place more suitable for them and continue their discussions about the child's welfare. Gradually they drifted out of the stable and left the shepherds and the Magi alone with Joseph and Mary and the child.

Mary took Joseph's hand and said, "Husband, tell me again what the angel Gabriel said to you about our son.

Squeezing her hand, Joseph answered, "He said that we should call his name Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins."

Mary looked down at her son and sighed deeply, and then said to one in particular, "I wonder if they will let him?"

Categories: Daft PC Crap_

Saturday, December 10, 2005

How to say 'sick as a parrot' in German

Don't you just love the British Embassy in Germany! They've launched a new web site for the 2006 World Cup on Friday that includes handy German phrases, such as "He was sick as a parrot" or "He puked his guts up," for British fans. Cracking work!

The web site,, is designed to help the estimated 100,000 English fans expected to travel to Germany for the 32-team tournament that starts in Munich on June 9 and concludes with the July 9 final in Berlin.

"Germany will be hosting the world's biggest party and it will make a great job of it," said British Ambassador Peter Torry in a statement announcing the new Web site ahead of Friday's draw in Leipzig.

Torry said that with its 100,000 fans, England would have more supporters in Germany than any other team (with the exception of Germany). Britain has assigned a dedicated soccer attache with a staff of 20 to coordinate the embassy's World Cup activities.

The Web site contains information for fans and journalists that includes details about the World Cup venues, tips about German soccer culture and other bits of off-beat advice.

"Ihm war kotzuebel" (He was sick as a parrot) and "Er kotzte wie ein Reiher" (He puked his guts up) are in the guide, as is "Wembley-tor" (Wembley goal)--the controversial 1966 World Cup final extra time goal by Geoff Hurst when England beat West Germany.
"Fußball ist ein einfaches Spiel. 22 Männer rennen 90 Minuten lang einem Ball hinterher. Und am Ende gewinnen die Deutschen."

Translates as: "Football is a simple game; 22 men chase a ball for 90 minutes and at the end, the Germans win."

(Gary Lineker after Germany's defeat of England in a penalty shoot-out in 1990)
Category: Football_

My promise

I will seek and find you . . .

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you .

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

The Flu

Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu jab!

Category: Jokes_

Friday, December 09, 2005

Japanese swords to be banned

SAMURAI swords are to be banned after becoming the weapon of choice for gangsters.

Home Office Minister Hazel Blears told MPs this week she was "looking seriously" at outlawing the weapons.

So how's that going to work Hazel dear? We already have laws that preclude the wandering of our streets with naked blades. So what do you propose? Collectors remove their valuable artifacts into your keeping for full valuation and recompense?

I think not!

This is just daft law making, for headlining's sake.

Incidentally...I grew up in a very large house, which in its way was really quite scary in places. My parents had a deep freeze (which was a bit experimental in those days)... beside which resided Hari...

Hari lived in the basement at the foot of the stairs between the two basement flats opposite the deep freeze....

His name was Hari Kiri.

As children, Hari scared the bejesus out of me and my sister, but I can assure you that our Hari's moustache bristled considerably more shortly and impressively (in an RAF kind of way) than the image I have found. But he never struck a blow! Ever!

We no longer have Hari sadly - because my parents disposed of him (due to woodworm in his base) when we went to Australia a long time ago.

But he lives on in my memory. Some silly minister cannot erase him.

Gavin Corder's Blog: Cutting Edge News

Category: Violent Crime Reduction Bill_

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

World Cup security concerns focus on English, Dutch fans

(Reuters) - World Cup organisers said on Wednesday they will focus security concerns on matches involving England and the Netherlands as soon as Friday's draw has determined where they will play.

Hooliganism is a big concern for the 2006 finals in Germany. At the last major tournament to be held in Germany, the 1988 European Championship, there were serious problems involving Dutch, English and German fans.

Tournament rules for the 2006 finals in Germany prevent switching any matches from the venues assigned at Friday's draw in Leipzig.

That could see group games involving England and the Netherlands being held at some of the smaller venues, increasing the chances of ticketless fans turning up and providing a greater security risk.

Hosts Germany and champions Brazil, by contrast, have already been allocated slots to ensure their group matches are played only in the larger stadiums of Berlin, Munich and Dortmund.

World Cup organising committee vice-president Horst R. Schmidt told a news conference on Wednesday, "Once we know where England and the Netherlands matches will be, we will come up with concrete plans on security."

I would have thought Plan A would be keep a lid on host nation supporters and don't be so stingy with the ticket allocations! The final public sales window, which opens on 12th December, will put around 250,000 tickets up for grabs. The final figure will be decided by 31st January.

Gavin Corder's Blog: Germany gears up for the World Cup

Category: Football_

George Orwell estate to sue Government over breach of copyright

From Deadbrain.

Trustees of the George Orwell estate yesterday announced that they intend to sue the British government over copyright breeches relating to the George Orwell novel '1984', a novel about a futuristic police state.

Professor Ramsbottom, a trustee of the Orwell estate, said: "Our lawyers have compared George Orwell's novel '1984' with a number of Labour documents. These documents include the Labour party manifesto, known in the Labour party as the 'The Book', and a number of laws passed by the Labour government over the past five years. Our analysis shows there are clearly great swathes of text that have simply been copied and adopted as Labour policy, far too much for this to be just coincidence."

Home Secretary Charles Clarke, said: "This is clearly absolute rubbish. A police state is a political condition where the government maintains strict control over society, particularly through suspension of civil rights and often with the use of the police. We thought police should not be used for that purpose as it is inherently anti-democratic. Name me one thing that demonstrates Labour is heading that way? OK - name me two things? OK - name me three things..."

Prime Minister Tony Blair added: "I flatly deny that we have used material from George Orwell's novel '1984' in any of our manifestos and subsequent laws. There are clearly very many differences such as: this is Britain and not Oceania, we have the Home Office and not the Ministry of Love, and the majority of people in this country believe that everyone must listen to the government in order to have an orderly society at the expense of some of the freedoms of the people. I have no idea what the 'Proles' who come up with these ideas are talking about. Now enough of this nonsense – fancy a game of chess?"

Meanwhile, the 82-year-old pensioner Walter Wolfgang, who was thrown out of this year's Labour party conference, and who had not been seen for several months, was tracked down by DeadBrain reporter Greg Mullet to his local pub the 'Chestnut Tree'. Walter said: "I took a bit of a holiday and feel fully re-integrated...I mean fully reinvigorated."

"I am looking forward to next year's Labour conference," he added. "To make up for last year they will be putting me up for free in room 101 at the Grand. I will get my chance to show Big Tony I love him. It is not enough to obey him, you know; you must love him. After all, war on terror is peace, freedom is slavery and ignorance is strength."

Not got a copy of 1984? Shame on you! Buy one.

The award for shameless link begging goes to the old lard bucket himself!

Category: England_

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Anyone for flag burning?

Has Martin Allen, the manager of Brentford Football Club lost his mind? He’s decided that the English flag is racist. Or perhaps that the words "Born in England, Live in England, Die in England" are racist.

Just where does he think the references to race, colour or religion are?

The Manchester Evening news broke the story:

A WAR of words has broken out between soccer club bosses after a fan unfurled a St Georges flag with the words "Born in England, Live in England, Die in England ."

Brentford manager Martin Allen said he felt the words on the flag were racially offensive.He spoke out after his side's FA cup match against Oldham Athletic at Boundary Park .

Two weeks ago the same flag was flown when Oldham played Brentford in a league match at Griffin Park and police ordered it be taken down.The flag has now been banned from the ground while an investigation takes place.

Mr Allen explained the London club has a number of black players in the squad who took great offence at the message.


He said: "Sadly, very sadly, that flag has racist undertones and we made a complaint about it then."

Although it was removed it came back out again near the end of the game and nothing was done about it."It made it a difficult afternoon."If we see it again at our ground I will find the person responsible and burn it in front of him."There is no room for it in society or in football."

Following its reappearance in Oldham he complained to club officials who promised to look into the situation.

But Oldham manager Ronnie Moore, said: "How can that be racist? Maybe if it was being flown at a match in Wales or Scotland it could be considered racist but I can't see how that it is racist here - I don't know what he's going on about."We have foreign and black players on our team and none of them said anything or complained to me."

A spokesman from the Commission for Racial Equality, said: "Flying the St Georges flag is not viewed as racist, but racism in football and racist comments directed against players and fans should not be tolerated."

Should this St George's flag be burned to combat racism? Have your say.

And the Beeb followed suit. But thanks go to the ever watchful Gareth at the CEP for the tip off yesterday.

Curiously enough, we British are not really that big on flag burning. Not like the Americans where it is almost a national sport. There are whole websites devoted to it and whether laws against flag burning are unconstitutional.

It even made it to the Simpson’s! In a brilliant parody of the Schoolhouse Rock classic "I'm Just a Bill," an edisode featured an anthropomorphic Flag Protection Amendment singing about flag burners having too much freedom.

[Little Boy] Hey, who left all this garbage on the steps of Congress?

[Amendment] I'm not garbage
I'm an amendment to be
Yes, an amendment to be
And I'm hoping that they'll ratify me
There's a lot of flag-burners who have got too much freedom
I want to make it legal for policemen to beat 'em
'Cause there's limits to our liberties
At least, I hope and pray that there are
'Cause those liberal freaks go too far

[Little Boy] But why can't we just make a law against flag burning?

[Amendment] Because that law would be unconstitutional
But if we change the constitution -

[Little Boy] Then we could make all sorts of crazy laws!

[Amendment] Now you're catching on!

[Little Boy] But what if they say you're not good enough to be in the constitution?

[Amendment] Then I'll crush all opposition to me!
And I'll make Ted Kennedy pay
If he fights back, I'll say that he's gay

[Congressman] Good news, amendment! They ratified you!
You're in the US Constitution!
[Amendment] Oh, yeah! Door's open, boys!

[Lisa] So it's true. Some cartoons do encourage violence.

You can listen to it here. Some people (particularly the manager of Brentford Football Club) really should lighten up!

Category: England_, Football_

St Nicholas

Today is St. Nicholas Day and last night Sinterklaas will have referred to his book that lists all the good and bad children, delivered presents to all the good children and possibly taken the bad children away with him.

The name 'Santa Claus' is a degeneration of the Dutch word Sinterklaas. Saint Nicholas Day is a festivity for children in much of Europe related to surviving legends of the saint, and particularly his reputation as a bringer of gifts.

The historical Nicholas came from Myra in Lycia, Asia Minor and was a 4th century bishop. He is usually depicted wearing his red mantle, his mitre, and his golden crosier and sporting a long, white beard.

Some elements of the Saint Nicholas tradition can be traced back to the Germanic god Wodan (Odin). The appearance is similar to some portrayals of this god. In the Saint Nicholas tradition in the Netherlands he rides a horse over the rooftops, and this may be derived from Odin's riding through the sky. Also his assistants, the Zwarte Pieten ('Black Peters') may be a remnant of the raven that accompanied Wodan. It may also be a reference to African slaves.

The history of the festive Saint Nicholas celebration reflects conflicts between Protestantism and Catholicism. Since Nicholas was a canonised saint, Martin Luther replaced the festival that had become associated with the Papacy with a "Christkind" (Christ child) celebration on Christmas Eve. After the reformation, St. Nicholas's attire began to change, and he started to wear a red suit with fur becoming more reflective of earlier pagan influences.

Saint Nicholas and the three poor maidens,
detail from the Quaratesi Altarpiece,
Gentile da Fabriano, 1425 (Vatican)

His reputation for gift giving comes partly from a story of three young women who were too poor to afford a dowry for their marriages: as each reached a marriageable age, Nicholas surreptitiously threw a bag of gold into the house at night. Some versions of the legend say that the girls' father, trying to discover their benefactor, kept watch on the third occasion, but Nicholas dropped the third bag down the chimney instead. For his helping the "financially challenged", St. Nicholas is the patron saint of pawnbrokers; the three gold balls traditionally hung outside a pawnshop are symbolic of the three sacks of gold.

Interestingly, he is also patron saint of sailors and thieves, not because pawnbrokers are thieving scum, but because his relics were stolen by sailors from his tomb.

Category: History_

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Weapons of Math Instruction

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle,'" Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard.

"Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line." President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, 'Read my ellipse!'"

Stolen shamelessly from Kats because she has better jokes than me!

Category: Jokes_

Is this obsessive?

I mean I'm just asking....

Update: Why would anyone want to be here for 12 hours 27 minutes 29 seconds!

Not even I am on my blog that long!

Over 11 hours? This is not right... I haven't written 168 pages!

What is it that you want?

Tell me!

Update: 182 pages in one day? No this is not good...

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Still looking and not talking?

Come on say something...

125 page views is excessive, right?

You have got to have seen it all all by now...

Oi Hampshire!

Now don't get me wrong about this, I am thrilled with what you do to my stats. But I have had to have words with you before. It really is a bit stalky and creepy to sit there all day perving but never saying anything.

Click on comments. Say hello. Or swear at me like everyone else. Something!

Terry White resigns

Who? You know, the Nu Labour Communications chappy who committed the cardinal sin of giving voice to Nu Labour's real opinion of the English. Well that's what the Campaign for an English Parliament are reporting.

It seems the Nu Labour spin machine has done an admirable job of hushing the story up as apart from the Sun, the only other mention of this story from mainstream media appears to be an unconfirmed report of the resignation in Thursday's Telegraph:

"A Labour official has been forced to retire after claiming that football hooliganism is always associated with the flag of St George. Terry White, 65, will leave the party's Newcastle Communications Unit tomorrow after telling a member of the public that England's 'unfortunate history' was demonstrated by flag-waving at football matches which could be seen as a 'threat to democracy'."

Category: England_

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Well the Sun's up and at 'em again!

Image stolen shamelessly (without permission)
Waking Hereward.
Retrospective permission granted - cheers Steve!

New Labour really does hate the English and it's got right up the Sun's collective tabloid nose. And about time too! That story is back in the Sun this morning:

THE Sun flew the flag for England yesterday — after Labour official Terry White said fans who waved it were racist.

Our patriotic team unfurled a 70ft-wide Cross of St George yards from Labour’s Communication Unit HQ in Central London.

Crowds of Christmas shoppers cheered as the emblem was laid out by a team led by reporter Harry Macadam.

Mum-of-two Sarah Hill, from Mill Hill, North London, said: “Well done to The Sun for standing up for England.”

But let it not be forgotten where the story broke first: The Campaign for an English Parliament

Category: England_