Thursday, October 27, 2005

Following on from my "quaint" post below...

I thought you might like the full verses of the "Ode to those four-letter words" mentioned in my "Quaint" post below.

Banish the use of those four-letter words
Whose meanings are never obscure.
The Angles and Saxons, those bawdy old birds,
Were vulgar, obscene, and impure.
But cherish the use of the weak-kneed phrase
That never quite says what you mean;
Far better you stick to your hypocrite ways
Than be vulgar, or coarse, or obscene.

When Nature is calling, plain speaking is out,
When ladies, God bless 'em, are milling about,
You make water, wee-wee, or empty the glass;
You can powder your nose; "Excuse me" may pass;
Shake the dew off the lily; see a man 'bout a dog;
Or when everyone's soused, it's condensing the fog,
But be pleased to consider and remember just this -
That only in Shakespeare do characters piss!

You may speak of a movement, or sit on a seat,
Have a passage, or stool, or simply excrete;
Or say to the others, "I'm going out back,"
Then groan in pure joy in that smelly old shack.
You can go lay a cable, or do number two,
Or sit on the toidy and make a do-do,
But ladies and men who are socially fit
Under no provocation will go take a shit!

When your dinners are hearty with onions and beans,
With garlic and claret and bacon and greens;
Your bowels get so busy distilling a gas
That Nature insists you permit it to pass.
You are very polite, and you try to exhale
Without noise or odour - you frequently fail -
Expecting a zephyr, you carefully start,
But even a deaf one would call it a fart!

A woman has bosoms, a bust or a breast.
Those lily-white swellings that bulge 'neath her vest;
They are towers of ivory, sheaves of new wheat;
In a moment of passion, ripe apples to eat.
You may speak of her nipples as small rings of fire
With hardly a question of raising her ire;
But by Rabelais's beard, she'll throw fifteen fits
If you speak of them roundly as good honest tits!

It's a cavern of joy you are thinking of now,
A warm, tender field just awaiting the plough
It's a quivering pigeon caressing your hand,
Or that sweet little pussy that makes a man stand.
Or perhaps it's a flower, a grotto, a well,
The hope of the world, or a velvety hell.
But, friend, heed this warning, beware the affront
Of aping a Saxon: don't call it a cunt!

Though a lady repel your advance, she'll be kind
Just as long as you intimate what's on your mind.
You may tell her you're hungry, you need to be swung,
You may ask her to see how your etchings are hung.
You may mention the ashes that need to be hauled;
Put the lid on her sauce-pan, but don't be to bold;
For the moment you're forthright, get ready to duck -
The girl isn't born yet who'll stand for "Let's fuck!"

Banish the use of those four-letter words
Whose meanings are never obscure.
The Angles and Saxons, those bawdy old birds,
Were vulgar, obscene, and impure.
But cherish the use of the weak-kneed phrase
That never quite says what you mean;
Far better you stick to your hypocrite ways
Than be vulgar, or coarse, or obscene.


Category: English Language_

15 Comments:

Blogger Gavin Corder said...

Now that's quality! I wish I knew who'd written it. Sadly 'twas not I.

Thu Oct 27, 04:03:00 PM GMT+1  
Blogger Six Years Late said...

If you've been googling cunt, I bet you got some much more low quality stuff than this.

Where did you get this from, if it's unattributed?

Thu Oct 27, 06:03:00 PM GMT+1  
Blogger Gavin Corder said...

You dear quaint soul! I said the damn thing was unattributed in the main post! If I could I would.

Thu Oct 27, 06:06:00 PM GMT+1  
Blogger Gavin Corder said...

You're just jealous 'cos I can google better than you!

Thu Oct 27, 06:12:00 PM GMT+1  
Blogger Gavin Corder said...

I swear I didn't write it!

Thu Oct 27, 06:18:00 PM GMT+1  
Blogger Span Ows said...

"Six Years Late said...
If you've been googling cunt,"...hahahahah excellent stuff...yes dear (as the Mrs taps you on the shoulder!) it's research!

Thu Oct 27, 11:46:00 PM GMT+1  
Blogger Gavin Corder said...

We've ALL been googling 'cunt' Span!

Fri Oct 28, 07:07:00 PM GMT+1  
Blogger Gavin Corder said...

We've ALL been googling 'cunt' Span!

Fri Oct 28, 07:07:00 PM GMT+1  
Blogger Span Ows said...

No need to say it twice Gavin!

Fri Oct 28, 11:39:00 PM GMT+1  
Blogger Span Ows said...

No need to say it twice Gavin









hehehe

Fri Oct 28, 11:39:00 PM GMT+1  
Blogger Kayfer Kettle said...

Oh this is just wonderful!!

It's perfect in every line, and I'm so glad I didn't have to google any cunts to see it!

Top notch find.

K x

I love swear words!

I have a cousin, who would say 'bloody fucking bastard' at the slightest provocation! Posh little fucker he is too!!!

Tue Nov 01, 08:13:00 AM GMT  
Blogger Gavin Corder said...

It was worth posting in its entirety. I wish I knew the author - I'd buy him a beer or three!

Wed Nov 02, 07:12:00 PM GMT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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spaghetti alla carbonara

Thu Dec 28, 04:48:00 PM GMT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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Fri Dec 29, 04:48:00 PM GMT  
Blogger jeffrey said...

I learned this in the early 60's. I thought it was collected by Oscar Brand, but am not certain. Some of the words are wrong, most obvious examples being that "to lay cable" does not mean to squeeze out a long turd, but to have a boning session. Anyone with an ear for meter will recognize that the fifth line of the refrain is wrong. (It should be "weasling phrase."

Mon Apr 27, 12:18:00 AM GMT+1  

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