Thursday, September 29, 2005

Radio Five Live

Why oh why don't they give that Helen Blaby her inhaler? I can't STAND her gasping through the traffic bulletins in the mornings! My daughter is asthmatic and I empathise so I gasp along in sympathy. Or sometimes if she's particularly bad I actually change the channel...

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

This is creepy!

Think of a letter between A and W
Repeat it out loud as you scroll down
Keep going
Don't stop.
Think of an animal that begins with that letter.
Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
Think of either a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animal's name.
Almost there......
Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.
.Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level.
Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand.
Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the persons name?
Of course they fucking don't.
Now smack yourself in the head, get a life, and stop playing stupid on-line games!

Just wondering...

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouths closed?

Gav's Handy Tips #2

I'm passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me...

By following the simple advice I read in an article, I finally found inner peace. The article read: 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started.'

So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished... and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Bailey's, three half cans of Stella, a gateau, the Prozac, some Valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.

You have absolutely no idea how wonderful I feel right now...!

Gav's Handy Tip #1

Vegetarians coming to dinner?

Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.
On some days, my head is filled with such wild and original thoughts that I can barely utter a word. On other days, the off license is closed.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

News Flash

AP and UPI have reported that the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "run" to "hide." The only two higher alert levels in France are: 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate'. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's only white flag factory, effectively paralysing their military.

It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert, The Italians have increased their alert level from: "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective combat operations" and "Change sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful arrogance" to "Dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels: "Invade a neighbour" and "Lose".

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from: "Isolationism" to "Find somewhere else in the middle east ripe for regime change".Their remaining higher alert states are: "Take on the world" and "Ask the British for help".

Finally here in GB we've gone from "Pretend nothing's happening" to "Make another cup of tea". Our higher levels are: "Remain resolutely cheerful" and "Win!"

Wednesday, September 21, 2005


God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?
___ Newspaper
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Other Book
___ Television
___ Divine Inspiration
___ Word of mouth
___ Dead Sea scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Near Death Experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ Burning Shrubbery
___ Who?
___ Other (specify): _____________

2. Which model God did you acquire?
___ Yahweh
___ Jehovah
___ Allah
___ Just plain God
___ Krishna
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak)
___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes__ No
If not, please describe the problems you initially encountered here (Please check all that apply):
___ Not eternal
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God? (Please check all that apply.)___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed target for rage
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Hate to think for self
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ To piss off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Enjoy organ music
___ Needed focus on whom to despise
___ Needed to feel morally superior
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? (Please check all that apply.)
__ Self-help books
__ Tarot, Astrology
__ Star Trek re-runs
__ Fortune cookies
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll
__ Biorhythms
__ Television
__ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggart
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Wandering around in desert
__ Burning shrubbery
__ Other:_____________________

6. Have you ever worshipped a false God before? If so, which false God were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
___ Odin
___ Cthulhu
___ Lottery
___ Baal
___ Beelzebub
___ The Almighty Dollar
___ The Conservative Right
___ Mick Jagger
___ Bill Gates
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ A burning cabbage
___ mushrooms
___ Other: ________________

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer..? (circle one)
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know - what's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling of the following:disaster.(1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):
New Labour
last relationship

Category: Jokes_

The Beginning

A very good place to start... With hindsight, this really was a bit Julie Andrews!