Wednesday, September 21, 2005


God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?
___ Newspaper
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Other Book
___ Television
___ Divine Inspiration
___ Word of mouth
___ Dead Sea scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Near Death Experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ Burning Shrubbery
___ Who?
___ Other (specify): _____________

2. Which model God did you acquire?
___ Yahweh
___ Jehovah
___ Allah
___ Just plain God
___ Krishna
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak)
___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes__ No
If not, please describe the problems you initially encountered here (Please check all that apply):
___ Not eternal
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God? (Please check all that apply.)___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed target for rage
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Hate to think for self
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ To piss off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Enjoy organ music
___ Needed focus on whom to despise
___ Needed to feel morally superior
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? (Please check all that apply.)
__ Self-help books
__ Tarot, Astrology
__ Star Trek re-runs
__ Fortune cookies
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll
__ Biorhythms
__ Television
__ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggart
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Wandering around in desert
__ Burning shrubbery
__ Other:_____________________

6. Have you ever worshipped a false God before? If so, which false God were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
___ Odin
___ Cthulhu
___ Lottery
___ Baal
___ Beelzebub
___ The Almighty Dollar
___ The Conservative Right
___ Mick Jagger
___ Bill Gates
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ A burning cabbage
___ mushrooms
___ Other: ________________

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer..? (circle one)
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know - what's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling of the following:disaster.(1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):
New Labour
last relationship

Category: Jokes_


Blogger Span Ows said...

Hi Gavin, very funny entry...

Re time and date, the next time you go to write an entry, at the bottom just outside the white box where you write, should be little boxes along the bottom with the right date (until midnight in Europe!) and San Francisco time, you can change it to whatever you want.

Wed Sep 21, 04:43:00 PM GMT+1  
Blogger Span Ows said...

...and then it appears as such (the right tie) on all your messages...I didn't know that???m Or have you just changed your blog to the right time? This should now read 4:44Pm

Wed Sep 21, 04:45:00 PM GMT+1  
Blogger Span Ows said...

I've just readwhat I wrote before and don't understand it!! Right tie????...ahhh..time...OK

Anyway, if you ever read this, everything is in the options. Now sorted.

Without too much detail of where you are do you know the Royal Standard in Beaconsfield or the Highwayman in Goring, there's a few others from when I was young free and single but that was sooooooo LONG ago!

Wed Sep 21, 10:09:00 PM GMT+1  
Blogger Gavin Corder said...

I know the Royal Standard - if it's the one that claims to be the oldest pub in England with the barrel shaped bar - I used to live in High Wycombe now Newbury. Don't know the Highwayman.

I 'think' I've set the time...

Thu Sep 22, 10:58:00 AM GMT+1  
Blogger Span Ows said...

ahh,High Wycombe, well then you're sure to know many old haunts of mine in Marlow, Henley, Maidenhead and environs (friends in all three) - that part of the Thames valley is one of the places I wouldn't mind putting down roots.

Yes, that's the Royal Standrad

Thu Sep 22, 05:43:00 PM GMT+1  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home