Monday, August 27, 2007

Nutter on the bus

Remember the Jasper Carrott sketch from the 70s, "The Nutter on the Bus"? Well you might if you are a certain age, but if not you can listen to the sketch here, but if you can't wait for it to load, it goes something like this:

When the nutter gets on the bus, why does the nutter always sit next to me?

I was on the bus the other day and I could hear this nutter getting on behind me. I can tell he's a nutter because he's calling out...

'Eeek! Has anyone seen my camel!!?'

And everyone on the bus is praying quietly ‘Please God don’t let the nutter sit next to me. I’ll do anything you want but please don’t let the nutter sit next to me’

Nutters love showing you things, "I've got an atom bomb in here!"

And he shows me a corned beef tin ...

Well once you've got the nutter everyone else can enjoy it...

Anyway this sketch came to mind this week when Radio 5 Live had on a very strange man indeed. Some bloke called Theodore Zeldin (which is a name for a mad professor, if ever I heard one), who claims that a new pressing issue for humanity is the need for real conversation. I could name a few more pressing ones, but I listened on.

Work, the decline of the family, cars and technology have, he says, all helped to isolate us and he feels it's his duty to try to make us all sit down and talk face to face about things that really matter. OK I think to myself, fair enough.

But what does he do to facilitate this? He holds a birthday party at his house which is only for strangers, who are prepared to hold conversations off a menu of his devising!

Quite apart from the fact that going on the radio and inviting everyone over to your address (with postcode) is plainly batty behaviour, he was very strange with the callers. He was quite agressive actually. He berated, one woman for engaging in "talk" rather than "conversation" and when she said she wasn't responsible for all the pain and suffering in the world so wasn't going to let it get her down, boy did he give her jip!

Lots of (predominently northern) people rang in to say they talked to everyone, on the bus, in the street, on planes; and others (mainly southern) texted in saying they died a thousand deaths when such ghastly people attempted to talk at them on journeys. Naturally Jasper Carrott's sketch sprang to mind.

Then I got an email with the solution.

The next time you find yourself on a plane, train or a bus sitting next to someone who cannot resist chattering to you endlessly, I urge you to quietly pull your laptop out of your bag, carefully open the screen (ensuring the irritating person next to you can see it), and hit this link

Be part of the problem!


Blogger Ginro said...

That's excellent, lol!
Although I have also found that, on the train at least, holding a bible on your lap and giving people beaming smiles as they approach your seat tends to ensure they give the spare seat next to you a wide berth.

Mon Aug 27, 09:27:00 PM GMT+1  
Blogger Gavin Corder said...

If you listen to the Jasper Carrott he despairs that he bought the WartchToower, what more could be expected of him!

I need to go back and correct the spelling. I slapped that down very quickly as I'd promised to take the kids out for a Bank Holiday late lunch/early supper type meal.

Mon Aug 27, 11:06:00 PM GMT+1  
Blogger Curmy said...

LOL Gavin, very good !

Tue Aug 28, 12:42:00 AM GMT+1  
Blogger Les Paul Junior said...

Interesting, this one. I don't think it's just a South / North thing, though. To me, it's also young / old and there's also an urban / rural thing going on as well. Old people will talk to anyone as will, in my experience, country folk.

I don't mind it, really, so long as they aren't real nutters and then it's so difficult to know what to do to preserve one's dignity without being cruel to someone less fortunate.

The old fart from up North hath spoken.

Thu Aug 30, 07:55:00 PM GMT+1  
Blogger Span Ows said...

...the moral being avoid old, country dwelling northerners if you want a bit of peace!

Sat Sep 01, 04:26:00 PM GMT+1  
Blogger Paul said...

I met a nutter on a bus once. He sat in front of me and turned and said "Five minutes."
"Five minutes until what?" I asked.
"Five minutes until I smash your fucking face in, I want to fuck your bird."
"She's not my bird, she's my sister," I lied in reply.
"Oh, that's all right then."


Sun Sep 02, 10:50:00 PM GMT+1  
Blogger Ginro said...

Why do some of the links on your Witanagemot blogroll have exclamation marks next to them? Are they your favourites, or are they ones that you advise people to avoid? Or is it some other reason?
And do you still want me to finish my Harold II piece? I'd totally forgotten about it. Senility creeping up and flashing at me now and again I guess.

Tue Sep 04, 07:53:00 PM GMT+1  
Blogger Rupe said...

Gavin, any chance of you sending me that brilliant warning for a lap top?? I'd love to send it to my son. He would have a laugh on his long flights...thanks if poss.

Tue Sep 04, 10:06:00 PM GMT+1  
Blogger Gavin Corder said...

Rupe, as I said in my email, if he gets thrown off an aeroplane because of the link - it's YOUR fault not mine! ;-)

Dunno abpout the excalamation amarks Ginro - I never touch the thing it updates itself as and when but it's Gareth, Wwonko and Kev doing that... so what they thing of those is a fair question...

Cheers Curms!
Paul, that may be the most surreal post by an accountant. Ever.

Quite so Span.

Les see point addressed to Span. ;-)

Wed Sep 05, 05:43:00 PM GMT+1  
Blogger Gavin Corder said...

I think my typing is actually getting worse....

Wed Sep 05, 05:44:00 PM GMT+1  
Anonymous april Hollands said...

Haha! Someone left a link to your post from my post about the crazy people being attracted to me in public places. I'm relieved to know it's not just me!

Tue Nov 18, 09:15:00 AM GMT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Who knows where to download XRumer 5.0 Palladium?
Help, please. All recommend this program to effectively advertise on the Internet, this is the best program!

Sun Nov 22, 05:41:00 AM GMT  

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