Friday, October 14, 2005

To the citizens of the United States of America

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how incorrect your pronunciation has been. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U" is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix ”burgh” is pronounced “burra”, as in Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire etc..

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nonces). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "****".

You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don’t believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium.

Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".

The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2006) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.

Category: Jokes_


Blogger Gavin Corder said...

I didn't write this - but I wish I had. Apologies to whoever owns the copyright!

Fri Oct 14, 01:16:00 PM GMT+1  
Anonymous a non american said...

To Snottish Europeans everywhere.

Next time you need the U.S. to save you (yet again) you might want to grovel a bit.

Fri Oct 14, 01:32:00 PM GMT+1  
Blogger Span Ows said...

oooo.look what someone has written...I actually read the whole thing and I must say I find it a bit 'unlike' YOU, Gavin...look how you've upset an American friend...BUT at least it's a new reader

It wasn't me,honest

P.S. I like how you've got the date...much better than just a time...I have just a date so I may adjust if I can

P.P.S. Number 4 is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO true...but that's Hollywood...California...nuff said.

Fri Oct 14, 06:04:00 PM GMT+1  
Blogger Gavin Corder said...

Oh stop being so bloody reasonable Span. I didn't write the damn thing but it is funny! Can't you just FEIGN a bit of xenophobia?

Sat Oct 15, 12:45:00 AM GMT+1  
Blogger Gavin Corder said...

Does a Snottish European come from Snotland?

It's an academic question as happily I'm not European. I come from an island off the coast in the Atlantic. It's called Britain.

Sat Oct 15, 01:13:00 AM GMT+1  
Blogger Span Ows said...

Dearest Gavin...I loved it all but do feel....reasonable,yes, you hit the nail on the head...I would get our "non-american" (hardly likely) sit him down and discuss the merits of invading France in the hope that he forgets the rest of the post.

P.S. with this and the aphrodisiac challenge you've clearly been out on the raz and are too 'tanked-up' to sleep but not quite tanked enough to collapse in a drunken haze.

Aphrodiasiac....hmmm...I feel an idea forming. Actually it's more 'attractants' which pet food manufacturers use...not common o garden flavours, aromas and sweetners (that I peddle) know the sort of thing...5 bowls of cat food in a line and pussy picks the advertised one...funny that...never fails!

The 'marinated and marinaded' sausage would have excited any mind's wandering...I'm just off for a cold shower

P.P.S. hope you like the clock, I was ut yesterday in Barc (city) so only managed a couple of posts on the was to you on your thread...if you read it I hope you understand what I mean ;-)

Sat Oct 15, 09:30:00 AM GMT+1  
Blogger Sammy said...

The United States did elect the wrong man...and for the wrong reasons. Over 96% of Blacks voted for a man whose ancestors enslaved those who claim to have slave blood in the united states.
why so many voted that way...bigotry.
that is plain to see, think about the paradox of voting for a fellow who's ancestors had a part in making slavery possible and who's mother's folks were known to have been slave owners. I am not an eloquent man so i apologize if i am unclear to my meaning, but those who voted for the man because he is half black only played into the hands of the socialist who have tried for decades to take over this young country.


Sun Mar 22, 02:11:00 AM GMT  

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