Gavin Corder's Blog

World Cup 2010 Qualifiers

2010-06-11T10:47:00.010+01:00

No prizes for guessing the only country at the World Cup without its own government, national public holiday and national anthem. Thanks to Toque for the code.

Team	National Holiday	Nat Govt	Anthem
Algeria	Revolution Day , 1st Nov	Yes	Kassaman
Argentina	Independence Day, 25th May	Yes	Himno Nacional Argentino
Australia	Australia Day, 26th Jan	Yes	Advance Australia Fair
Brazil	Independence Day, 7th Sept	Yes	Hino Nacional Brasileiro
Cameroon	Republic Day, 20th May	Yes	O Cameroun, Berceau denos Ancêtres
Chile	Independence Day, 18th Sept	Yes	Himno Nacional de Chile
Côte d'Ivoire	Independence Day, 7th Aug	Yes	L'Abidjanaise
Denmark	Constitution Day, 5th Jun	Yes	Der er et yndigt land
England	No National Holiday	No	No official national anthem
France	Bastille Day, 14th July	Yes	La Marseillaise
Germany	Unity Day, 3rd Oct	Yes	Das Deutschlandlied (1922)
Ghana	Independence Day, 6th Mar	Yes	God Bless Our Homeland Ghana
Greece	Independence Day, 5th Mar	Yes	Ýmnos eis tīn Eleutherían
Honduras	Independence Day, 15th Sep	Yes	Himno Nacional de Honduras
Italy	Republic Day, 2nd June	Yes	Il Canto degli Italiani
Japan	Birthday of Emperor Akihito, 23rd Dec	Yes	Kimi ga Yo
Korea DPR	Founding Day, 9th Sep	Yes	Aegukka
Korea Republic	Liberation Day, 15th Aug	Yes	Aegukga
Mexico	Independence Day, 16th Sep	Yes	Himno Nacional Mexicano
Netherlands	Queen's Day, 30th Apr	Yes	Het Wilhelmus
New Zealand	Waitangi Day, 6th Feb	Yes	God Defend New Zealand
Nigeria	Independence Day, 6th Feb	Yes	Arise O Compatriots, Nigeria's Call Obey
Paraguay	Independence Day, 14-15th May	Yes	Paraguayos, República o Muerte
Portugal	Portugal Day, 10th Jun	Yes	A Portuguesa
Serbia	National Day, 15th Feb	Yes	Bože pravde
Slovakia	Constitution Day, 1st Sep	Yes	Nad Tatrou sa blýska
Slovenia	Statehood Day, 25th Jun	Yes	Zdravljica
South Africa	Freedom Day, 27th Apr	Yes	National anthem of South Africa
Spain	National Day, 12th Oct	Yes	La Marcha Real
Switzerland	Confederation Day, 1st Aug	Yes	Schweizerpsalm
Uruguay	Independence Day, 25th Aug	Yes	Himno Nacional
USA	Independence Day, 4th Jul	Yes	The Star-Spangled Banner

Facebook | Apolitical

2010-03-09T11:18:00.000Z

Facebook | Apolitical

Anarchism rather than Apolitical. Bookmarked for ref.

Sir Nicholas Winterton on Nolan

2010-02-18T14:51:00.000Z

Introduction to social media training for BBC Vision

2010-02-10T15:02:00.001Z

Check out this SlideShare Presentation:

Introduction to social media training for BBC Vision

View more presentations from Rowan Kerek Robertson.

Putsch

2010-01-09T14:30:00.010Z

Putsch is the word of the moment.

It's a word that is all over the media this week in reference to the damp squib of a coup that was orchestrated against Gordon Brown by passed-over former Cabinet Ministers and out-going MPs, Geoff Hoon and Patricia Hewitt.

Pat and Geoff (pictured) may not know what a putsch is either but they knew it was a big one - and sadly it got away!

So what's a putsch?

The OED describes a 'putsch' as:

An attempt to overthrow a government, especially by violent means; an insurrection or coup d'état.

I havn't noticed Hoon and Hewitt burning the barricades and lobbing the Molotov cocktails so has the OED got anything else to offer?

In a weakened sense: a sudden or forceful attempt to take control of an organization, business, etc.; a sudden vigorous effort, a concerted drive or campaign.

Right. Can anyone else see the irony in the use of the term 'forceful' when applied to YewittanYoon's wet fish display (pictured)?

So why are the media calling it a putsch? Heaven knows, but in media mileage, what's a coup compared with the putsch that gave a push to the putz*?

*(A stupid or worthless person; a fool. Yiddish, ‘penis’)

Twelfth Night

2010-01-05T16:59:00.001Z

Tonight is “the evening before Twelfth-day, formerly observed as a time of merry-making”, Twelfth Night or Wassail Eve.

Some imagine twelfth night to be the evening of the 6th January but they are mistaken, since the ancients counted from sunset not sunrise. So Christmas night was the evening of 24th December, we count the twelve days of Christmas from there.

There is a tradition that it is unlucky to keep Christmas decorations after twelfth night while others that they should stay up until Candlemas eve (1st February).

Either way don’t send your Christmas greenery for recycling – burn it! This ancient maxim was recorded in the Exeter Book in 1072,

“Holly must be burned, a dead man's legacy divided. Good fame is ever best.”

William Hone, in his Every Day Book of 1827 refers to a glossary to the Exmore dialect that has “Watsail – a drinking song on twelfth-day eve, throwing toast to the apple trees, in order to have a fruitful year, which seems to be a relic of the heathen sacrifice to Pomona.”

So sup up, by the fire and cheers!

George Osbourne & namesake

2008-09-30T14:41:00.004+01:00

Watching the Shadow Chancellor's speech at Conservative Party Conference I was struck by an uncanny similarity.

George is a dead ringer for, well, George, the Prince Regent.

This brings one to wonder about his ambitions for the throne and to postulate that he will probably run to fat.

On a completely different note, in searching for pictures to confirm my suspicions about Osbourne, I discovered that George IV ...

...undoubtedly evolved into John Sessions

Not sure what this means for the Suc-Session! (Groan!)

Brown's Conference Speech

2008-09-23T15:51:00.000+01:00

My live commentary:

Yeah mate if you wanted to do something for the country you love you should have stayed in Scotland!

Hard working families #1 and counting...

The rock of stability and fairness
Empowering people
Pro market party
Hard work effort and enterprise
Not to provide everything but to enable everyone...

Has he joined the conservative party?

Investment in coal? OMG he's going to reopen the mines!!!!!

Value hard work effort and enterprise #2
The party of Law and order.
Security and dignity for pensioners (going for the blue rinses?)
The party of the family.

He HAS joined the Conservative party!

3 million more people are in work, yes, but they're all Polish!

Oh it's Labour's NHS is it?

One life, one family, one vote at a time (that would be Disraeli's One Nation Tories then!)

Do unto others? (oh purleese!!! He's nicked JCs script now!)

Hard work effort and enterprise #3

Enshrine in the law of the land Labour's pledge to end child poverty. (Not sure how that works)

Read write and count (adding and subtracting are perhaps a bridge too far?)

Families who can't afford to buy food in Sainsburys will have access to cheap food on e-Bay!

The NHS saved my good eye too! It's a miracle!

Free check ups for the over 40s? Don't we have free GP access now?

NHS available to all and personal to each. (I am sooo relieved my doctor won't be treating someone else's itchy parts during my appointment!)

Staying in your own home longer apparently ensures 'greater protection against the cost of care'. No shit Sherlock!(But no free personal care for the English like the Scots then?)

A Victims Tsar! Just what we need!

Punishment where the public can see it? Chain gangs? Stocks?

Votes for Working Men and Women? Now he's claiming them a century late? Surely this is scraping the bottom of the barrel?

Labour, the party protecting homeowners? yeah right!

Yes Tory public spending cuts - that's what we want!!!!

Hard working families #2

Don't start me on the iniquities of the EMA!

Now he's claiming credit for the not being broken by Fascists! Yes yes Gordie - it's your Dunkirk spirit - la la la...

You believe in Scotland mate not Britain. Oh right you'll complete the process of devolution in Northern Ireland will you? What about England??????

By all means bring democracy to Zimbabwe and Darfur but bring it here too!

Ask the people what they want about the EU, Scotland and the democratic deficit - the democratic answer will be so unpalatable that none of the turkeys will ever put Christmas to the vote!

United we are a great movement? Well that says it all! A great big poop!

Sarah Palin in Stars & Stripes Bikini

2008-09-05T21:37:00.002+01:00

Actually, you can make this up! Here's the original picture before Palin's head was photoshopped on.

Well flip me round the face and call me a democrat then!

2008-08-13T23:30:00.008+01:00

I got an email today, from Number 10 if you please. It was one of those thanks but now do fuck off Mr Corder and stop bothering us emails.

I had had the temerity to sign a petition:

“We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to grant the English people a referendum on independence forEngland.”

And it was a petition based on a pretty reasonable premise:

“68% of English people want an English Parliament. 59% of English people want Scotland to leave the UK. The will of the English people for self-rule within the United Kingdom is flagrantly ignored because, we are told, an English Parliament within a federal UK would break up the Union. Well maybe English people would prefer independence to being 3rd class citizens within a United Kingdom. Let’s ask them.”

In spite of the properly sourced and numerous opinion polls to the contrary, the response from Number 10 was,

"we do not believe that there is a groundswell of support for an English Parliament"

OK IGNORE the opinion polls, nameless Government-Wallah, but isn't that what actually asking the people is about?

And on.

The Government believes that it is not necessary to establish a separate English Parliament to balance the current devolution settlements in the United Kingdom as England is already the dominant partner and English interests are fully represented.

Not really, since the Scottish Labour MPs voted to penalise English constituents , voting for English student fees, English personal care for the elderly, no medication for English cancer sufferers; while their MSP colleagues (who actually DO represent the people of Scotland in their constituencies) vote in free personal care, free tertiary education, bags of drugs etc.

Far from being dominant, England in this Union is bullied by a bunch of Scots who don't even have a mandate to represent their OWN constituents on such matters and yet they presume to vote against the wishes of the English people. Who didn't elect them. At all.

An English Parliament would only be a fraction smaller than the existing UK Parliament.

So what? It would be a parliament without interference from devolved peoples who have no interest in England. The new governing body - the UK Overview Team - or old UK Parliament - would be slimline as a result. And what a result! It doesn't need to remain unwieldy as it now is.

It would be likely to become bureaucratic and difficult to pass legislation, particularly if there were a different party in Government at Westminster, than that of the suggested English Parliament.

Really? So remind me who is in power in Scotland? Umm. That would be the Scottish Nationalists. And who is in power in the United Kingdom, errr Labour. So what's good for the goose is not good for the gander? Come on who are these people kidding.

The Government is taking steps to increase regional accountability including through the introduction of Regional Ministers.

England doesn't want to be regions, England wants to be democratically free! And yes England commands more votes than Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland. Tough titty. That's democracy!

It is not palatable for the Labour Party to devolve England as it derives it's controlling votes from north of the border and in Wales. That is the point.

Forget the goose and the gander. To get equality we have to get the turkeys to vote for Christmas. Come on David Cameron, Nick Clegg, someone has to get the ball rolling. The English are a bit bloody pissed off! You guys can get yourselves elected to the UK Overview Team as well - then you have a MANDATE!

There IS a groundswell of support whether they like it or not.
There ARE more English who would kiss goodbye to the Scots if asked than Scots who want independence.

If this government and its successor which I must presume will be the Tories, won't grasp the nettle, (or to mix my metaphors, hold its tiny thumb on the lever), then as the pin is already out, (second analogy) then someone's really going to blow these Islands apart.

After that, what?

National Health is Filthy & Infested

2008-08-06T14:06:00.002+01:00

Filthy NHS wards are being plagued by pests - with maggots found in slippers and rats in maternity units, reports the Daily Mail
Hospitals are so dirty that pest controllers were called out to 20,000 infestations in the past two years.

Experts warned that the appalling levels of hygiene added to the danger to patients from the deadly superbugs MRSA and C.diff, which multiply in the same environments as pests.

Well, what a pretty pass have we come to? While politicians of various colours throw seven shades of political shit at each other about who is to blame, and people try to weasel out of responsibility, may I give you the words of an expert.

"If a nurse declines to do these kinds of things for her patient because it is not her business I should say that nursing was not her calling.

I have seen surgical sisters women whose hands were worth to them two or three guineas a week down upon their knees scouring a room or hut because they thought it otherwise not fit for their patients to go into. I am far from wishing nurses to scour. It is a waste of power.

But I do say that these women had the true nurse calling the good of their sick first and second only the consideration what it was their place to do and that women who wait for the housemaid to do this or for the charwoman to do that when then patients are suffering have not the making of a nurse in them"

And who was the expert I quoted? Florence Nightingale, in Notes on Nursing: What it Is, and what it is Not, published 1860.

Time for nursing to get back to basics perhaps?

Crime slashed

2008-07-18T21:39:00.000+01:00

No comment required.

Identity Theft

2008-07-17T16:39:00.001+01:00

While we're on the subject, a sentient artificial lifeform has been spotted. He has a rational, analytical mind and finds humans hard to understand, and through his attempts to understand human behaviour, the creators comment on certain aspects of humanity. He is drawn to the concept of humanity, being intensely curious about humans and constantly trying to emulate them in all forms with hilarious results.

Here he is again.

Whatever happened to Maxine Carr?

2008-07-17T16:23:00.002+01:00

Maxine who? You know the girlfriend of Soham murderer Ian Huntley. Well she's been spotted recently arriving at Downing Street for a cabinet meeting.

Sumer is Icumen In

2008-05-01T17:24:00.003+01:00

It's May Day, and for those of you who are observing the customs of the season, dancing the May Pole and consumating the joys of the season with your Queen of the May, I commend to you the words of Kipling:

Oh, do not tell the Priest our plight,
Or he would call it a sin;
But we have been out in the woods all night,
A-conjuring Summer in!

The celebration began at sunset yesterday, because our forefathers always reckoned their days from sunset to sunset. This is true of the both Celts and the Germanic tribes who celebrate Walpurgisnacht.
However for the misguided New Agers, I should like to point out that it is not Beltane until the sun is 15% of Taurus which is Monday 5th May 2008.

Which, as it happens, is a Bank Holiday in Britain this year. And a new moon. Very auspicious! Nudge, nudge...

Plenty of time to buff up my May Pole....

Rugby World Cup

2007-10-23T01:44:00.000+01:00

Well I dunno about you, but I don't think that it's too much to expect the Sunday Times journos writing up the multi-page Rugby World Cup special, on page four (of the news section, mark you, not Sport), to notice that the All Blacks play for New Zealand not Australia. Well really! Is it too much to ask?

A close shave?

2007-10-13T02:49:00.000+01:00

Listening to the radio about the criminal conviction of a chap's 'moustache related violence', I was pretty much gob (upper lip) smacked. MOUSTACHE RELATED VIOLENCE?!!

But apparently, this chap, Charles Law, keeps getting into fights over his handle-bars, and has now had his come-uppance.

He's got to lose the 'tache and pay the little toerags 75 quid each for their trouble.

Well flip me round the chops with a wet lettuce, obviously this chap is barking... Yerrr Obviously. But that's not the point.

If he wishes to bristle with the best then he can. This is a free country.

And this comes in a week which saw the publication of a very erudite book which reminds us that it was not the 'hand that rocked the cradle', that ruled the Empire; it was the handlebar that terrified the natives!

So the little scrotes really should have known better and our beloved judiciary should have advised that ignorance of the effect is no defense.

It's only common sense Health and Safety advice, after all, DON'T pick on the unhinged gentleman with the bristling 'tache! Judge should have given them a clip round the ears (back and sides)!

Nutter on the bus

2007-08-27T14:49:00.000+01:00

Remember the Jasper Carrott sketch from the 70s, "The Nutter on the Bus"? Well you might if you are a certain age, but if not you can listen to the sketch here, but if you can't wait for it to load, it goes something like this:

When the nutter gets on the bus, why does the nutter always sit next to me?

I was on the bus the other day and I could hear this nutter getting on behind me. I can tell he's a nutter because he's calling out...

'Eeek! Has anyone seen my camel!!?'

And everyone on the bus is praying quietly ‘Please God don’t let the nutter sit next to me. I’ll do anything you want but please don’t let the nutter sit next to me’

Nutters love showing you things, "I've got an atom bomb in here!"

And he shows me a corned beef tin ...

Well once you've got the nutter everyone else can enjoy it...

Anyway this sketch came to mind this week when Radio 5 Live had on a very strange man indeed. Some bloke called Theodore Zeldin (which is a name for a mad professor, if ever I heard one), who claims that a new pressing issue for humanity is the need for real conversation. I could name a few more pressing ones, but I listened on.

Work, the decline of the family, cars and technology have, he says, all helped to isolate us and he feels it's his duty to try to make us all sit down and talk face to face about things that really matter. OK I think to myself, fair enough.

But what does he do to facilitate this? He holds a birthday party at his house which is only for strangers, who are prepared to hold conversations off a menu of his devising!

Quite apart from the fact that going on the radio and inviting everyone over to your address (with postcode) is plainly batty behaviour, he was very strange with the callers. He was quite agressive actually. He berated, one woman for engaging in "talk" rather than "conversation" and when she said she wasn't responsible for all the pain and suffering in the world so wasn't going to let it get her down, boy did he give her jip!

Lots of (predominently northern) people rang in to say they talked to everyone, on the bus, in the street, on planes; and others (mainly southern) texted in saying they died a thousand deaths when such ghastly people attempted to talk at them on journeys. Naturally Jasper Carrott's sketch sprang to mind.

Then I got an email with the solution.

The next time you find yourself on a plane, train or a bus sitting next to someone who cannot resist chattering to you endlessly, I urge you to quietly pull your laptop out of your bag, carefully open the screen (ensuring the irritating person next to you can see it), and hit this link

Be part of the problem!

Rum, sodomy and the lash....

2007-08-21T15:11:00.000+01:00

How would Nelson have fared if he had been subject to modern health and safety regulations?

"Order the signal to be sent, Hardy."

"Aye, aye sir."

"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"

"Sorry sir?"

"England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?"

"Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."

"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

"Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."

"I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

"Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

"That won't be possible, sir."

"What?"

"Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

"He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."

"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

"Health and Safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

"Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

"Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

"A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and Safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

"I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

"What? This is mutiny."

"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

"Actually, sir, we're not."

"We're not?"

"No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

"I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary charge."

"You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."

"Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."

"Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

"As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And now there's a ban on corporal punishment."

"What about sodomy?"

"I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."

"In that case... kiss me, Hardy."

Summer's over

2007-08-16T21:04:00.000+01:00

What, you blinked and missed it? Word has it that Father Christmas has already shown up at Harrods.

Well you can't buy a pair of sandals or a swimming cozzie to save your life. What is it with 'getting ready for the next season'? Does no-one actually purchase things when they need them, rather than five months in advance? Is it only me who is either disorganised or impulsive (dependent on your outlook)?

Anyway I spotted this Back to School sale sign, and had to share the lurve...

On a bit of a tangent but not dissimilar tack, my local rag is bleating about the apparent crime wave (that is their take on the fact that this information has been made available under the Freedom of Information Act).

They have this very useful information:

Age of youngest person arrested for gun /firearm possession: 12

What a load of inflammatory alarmist clap trap! The kid in question (not one of mine) had a toy gun that shoots yellow plastic beads!

We do NOT have marauding gangs of gun toting feral children in this sleepy Berkshire backwater. It is frankly pathetic, to log a child with a toy gun as a firearms offense.

What is it with everyone in this country? One minute parents are criticised for wrapping their obese kids in cotton wool and force feeding them a virtual video world. The next a kid out playing with a toy gun is nicked on a firearms charge!

I had some splendid weaponry as a child. (My older relatives had the real deal as they were brought up playing on bomb sites in London, and handguns with live ammunition were widely available). But I was given a tremendous long arm spud gun from the 50s (by an older relative, who had grown out of it) which didn't half make the back of your legs sting when you took a plug. Then I had a proper air rifle. Now I rejoice in a longbow, with which I or my sons, were we so inclined, could do a dammed sight more harm than with an air gun that pings plastic balls.

Surely childhood is the time to work out your cowboys from your indians, to learn your cops from your robbers, by crawling about in the long grass, camouflaged up, armed to the teeth, pouncing on pirates?

Does no-one today remember Peter Pan? The epitome of childhood is the waging of bloodthirsty wars and doing noble and heroic deeds at great personal danger. If we don't expose our children to this traditional role play and physical activity, we are doomed to a nation of children who are either too timid to cross a road alone by the time they go to university, or so insular and anally retentive that they believe on-line gaming to be reality and with no empathy or proper role models, just go and blow people away. For real.

Yes it's obscene that young lads are gunning each other down in their beds and on the streets. But those children have not been allowed to be children. They are old before their time. And some of them are in their graves. Well before their time. Many of these children are bullied into crime by their older 'friends' who hide behind the children's relative immunity under the laws of criminal responsibility. This is different issue. And the mingling is silly tabloid journalism at best, at worst it will lead to a generation of desperately dysfunctional people.

The fear of litigation and the conflation of play with actual crime has led to a dichotomy in society whereby we have the pussycats on the one hand and the thugs on the other.

The Scandinavians are deliberately building risk back into children's playgrounds, the contention being that without risk-taking in play, children do not learn risk assessment and as a consequence are unable to see how to master risk situations when they do arise. Bless 'em, they can actually see that a bit of rope burn and scraped knees make our children safer, not the reverse.

I contend that unless children work out their fantasies with imaginative play in the physical world, they are in grave danger of being unable to cope with the reality that those of my generation know.

There is a bit of a backlash and Conn Iggulden's Dangerous Book for Boys is a joy and a delight to any parent of sons. But even that is tamer than it sounds. To my younger son's great chagrin, there was nothing in it at all about explosions...

Wherever did English childhood go? Where are the endless summers of youth? And what have we in store from a generation of children who never played? Let's build the risk back in and have society grow up a bit by remembering what childhood really is.

Better than the wolf?

2007-07-28T00:20:00.000+01:00

What do you say then folks?

"Goodbye. I don't think we'll miss you."

2007-06-27T18:17:00.000+01:00

Mrs Blair, never noted for being the shy retiring type, has today been pilloried for being a Silly Gobby Mare again on the steps of Number 10. Well, bless her it was her last chance!And a thread to that effect appeared on the 5Live Message Board which for reasons unknown dissolved into verse.

While I am unversed (ho ho ho!)in the subtleties of Haiku (I don't think we had those when I were a lad) I was delighted to be invested as Poet Lorry commuted to Poet Lolly (for my native tongue).

Thus:

Farewell to Mrs C Blair
(She, of the flyaway hair
And a mouth like a slot
Which says such a lot
Unwisely, some say, to be fair).

With a mouth that begs for a letter,
Mrs Blair should really know better,
Than to open her gob
In front of a mob,
All of whom are just out to get her.

Poet Lolly is speaking in tongues
So draw a deep breath in your lungs
And shout from the rooves
The disturbing truths
Of peerages dished out for bungs!

I'm using the lingua franca
To find a word after which we all hanker.
Poet Lolly can't be licked
With rhymes that are nicked
From the dark side of the mind of a banker.

Now that Number Ten has a new occupant,
I think it's about time that we learnt
How the English feel really
About taxes costing us dearly
(And pulling this post took some front!)

(Cheeky moderators thought that jock, unelected and runt should not be coupled! Obviously a better rhyme springs to mind, but I refrained from that one as in banker above...)

For a mandate Brown just hasn't got
(Reserved matters come to not a lot)
For if the whole of Kirkcaldy
Were to vote as a body,
They could influence Brown not a jot.

He can't talk on health, education or training
Nor farming or fishing (even when it is raining )
Not housing or planning, the police or the law
Nor aspects of transport, the buses, or sport.
It's because they're devolved
That Brown can't be involved
He must interfere in our affairs never more!

I've done another verse I'm afraid I can't help myself, sorry...

"Goodbye. I don't think we'll miss you."
Forgive me while I weep in a tissue.
For she is a Blair
Who has never had a care
'Cos democracy's not been a real issue.

Stalinist Brown

2007-06-22T18:20:00.000+01:00

Well the permanent secretary to the Treasury for four years under Brown should know what he's talking about...

Image stolen shamelessly from Alfie at Waking Hereward

The White House

2007-06-12T22:52:00.000+01:00

You know how it is. Sometimes, you think to yourself, I don't really want to be challenged with my reading material. A rip roaring good historical yarn would just about do me right now. So long as it's well researched.

So it was this morning. I had a slow morning so I ran myself a nice hot bath, stepped in, and settled myself with a Bernard Cornwell that I hadn't read. Much as the TV series with Sean Bean is absolute crap, (largely because Sean Bean can't act), the stories aren't bad (even though they have nothing in the way of characterisation, sub plot and offer nothing to a discussion of the human condition).

However I digress.

So in I get. I ALWAYS read the foreword, preface, introduction or whatever. (Actually I have an Honours degree in English from a damn good university on the strength of reading the foreword, preface, introduction or whatever. But that's another story).

In this case it was a foreword not a whatever.

And I quote:

Later that year [1814] in the same kind of operation, though on a much larger scale, [the British were] responsible for the capture and destruction of Washington itself. Among the many buildings that were burned was the president's mansion. The lower walls were of stone, so they survived, but when the mansion was rebuilt those walls were painted white to hide the scorch marks and it has been known as the White House ever since.

"Oh that's interesting", I thought. However in an idle moment at lunchtime, (told you it was a slack day), I thought further on it. "I know", I thought, "I'll read up a bit on that British assault", only to learn that Cornwell has perpetuated a myth, of which it seems, every American school child is aware.

The house acquired its nickname early on. Congressman Abijah Bigelow wrote to a colleague on March 18, 1812 (three months before the United States entered war with England): "There is much trouble at the White House, as we call it, I mean the President's" (quoted in W. B. Bryan, "The Name White House," Records of the Columbia Historical Society 34-35 [1932]: 308). The name, though in common use, remained a nickname until September 1901, when Theodore Roosevelt made it official.

Hmmm. A tiny spot of research tells us 'it aint so Joe'.

Look, I know historical novels are ultimately fiction and so about storytelling not academic rigour. And hey, we all make mistakes while attempting to be thorough in research.

But surely something so fundamentally flawed in the foreword (not in the narrative) of a book first published 20 years ago should have been corrected by now?

Apologies for absence

2007-06-11T03:06:00.000+01:00

To anyone who is actually still looking, thankyou.

I'll try and post something real after a bit of sleep.

Les Paul Junior

2007-03-24T12:16:00.000Z

One of my blog buddies has uploaded one of his own compositions, given that his screen identity is Les Paul Junior (pictured above), I should have guessed he could play a bit!

Have a listen.

Mind you I wasn't expecting it to be quite so mellow, given his favourite video is this one. Talk about shit faced!

The Bogey Man

2007-03-23T19:06:00.000Z

This is one more reason why this man MUST not be our Prime Minister! Please God Labour party members come to their senses...

Cameron snubs young fan.

2007-02-24T18:56:00.000Z

This is brilliant - hats off to creator bert grr.

Tough on Crime...

2007-02-24T18:50:00.000Z

Credit to Stewpot.

Hoodie 'shoots' Cameron...

2007-02-23T13:47:00.000Z

...and causes uproar. Under the headline: Teenage 'pistol' hoodie gloats, the Sun predictably wallows in disgust.

"A TEENAGE hoodie told last night how he ran up behind Tory leader David Cameron and pretended to shoot him.

Tagged thug Ryan Florence, 17, said he made the sick gun gesture to impress gang pals who were watching."

And the Great British public is whipped into a frenzy of comment, like this, typical of the Daily Mail.

"This young thug is a good reason why we all should be armed with guns.

- John Smith, Ulverston UK"

Oh Purleeease!

Wikipedia is quite ambivalent about the 'bang bang' hand gesture.

"This imitation of the action of a revolver pistol is often meant to represent a handgun in children's games. It may also be used menacingly to mean "I'm gonna kill you", or simply as a playful greeting."

The gesture is represented in stock photo libraries under the Business section. The gesture here surely implies, "Spot on!" or "Right on the money!", "Yes! We're going places!" or some such.

And for fans of wrestling's "Cactus Jack" the double handed gesture is a signature.

Apparently "Cactus Jack" Mick Foley took his trademark catchphrase "Bang, Bang!" from the B-52's song "Love Shack." The song was running through his head at the end of a match, and he held his fingers up like pistols while reciting the "bang bang bang on the door..." verse.

But what, (honestly), is the difference between the top image and this one?

I put it to you that a little boy in Manchester was hamming it up for the camera. No more. No less.

Feel free to comment here and there is further discussion on the message board.

English Holiday

2007-02-23T11:04:00.000Z

Prime Minister Blair, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality goes to consult a psychic about the date of his death.

Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer: "You will die on an English holiday."

"Which one?" Blair asks nervously.

"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it will be an English holiday".

EU laws threaten Earl Grey tea

2007-02-10T11:17:00.000Z

The producers of the citrus fruit bergamot, which is unique to Earl Grey tea, will not be able to afford to comply with the new EU Reach directive. Under the health and safety regulations the bergamot oil, which is mainly used in the production of perfume, is classified as potentially poisonous and is therefore required to be tested and registered with the European Chemical Agency.

The extra £35,000 cost this would entail is beyond the means of the small Italian farms which grow the commodity and may lead to the farms changing the crops they grow.

They tried to straighten bananas, they're talking of doing away with the pint, but the Brussels bureaucrats have taken a step too far. Sign away our inalienable rights under Magna Carta but dammit, we won't stand for Johnny Foreigner buggering about with our tea! That's really taking the rich tea biscuit!

Today is Imbolc

2007-02-02T19:46:00.000Z

As the light lengthens, so the cold strengthens
Traditional saying

Imbolc is defined as a cross-quarter day, midway between the winter solstice (Yule) and the spring equinox (Ostara). The precise astrological midpoint in the Northern hemisphere is when the sun reaches fifteen degrees of Aquarius.

The term "Imbolc" translates as either "in milk" or "in the belly," and marked the birth and nursing of the spring lambs as a sign of the first stirrings of spring in the middle of winter.

It may also have been celebrated with the lighting of candles, as slightly longer days begin to be noticeable at this time of year.

Since the Celtic year was based on both lunar and solar cycles, it is most likely that the holiday would be celebrated on the full moon nearest the midpoint between the winter solstice and vernal equinox, or when the primroses, dandelions, or other spring flowers rise up through the snow.

There's a big fuck-off clock up in the sky tonight.

It's called Candlemas in the Christian calendar and is the last feast in the Christian year that is dated by reference to Christmas - forty days after the nativity.

Under Mosaic law, a mother who had given birth to a man-child was considered unclean for seven days; moreover she was to remain for three and thirty days "in the blood of her purification." Candlemas therefore corresponds to the day on which Mary, according to Jewish law should have attended a ceremony of ritual purification.

The ceremony was usual in medieval England, where it was called 'churching'. New mothers who had yet to be churched were regarded as attractive to the fairies, and so in danger of being kidnapped by them.

The term "Candlemas" refers to the practice found in former Roman Missals whereby a priest on February 2 would bless the candles for use during the year (said candles must be of beeswax).

"Down with the rosemary, and so
Down with the bays and mistletoe ;
Down with the holly, ivy, all,
Wherewith ye dress'd the Christmas Hall"

— Robert Herrick (1591–1674), "Ceremony upon Candlemas Eve"

As the poem by Robert Herrick records, the eve of Candlemas was the day on which Christmas decorations of greenery were removed from people's homes; for traces of berries, holly and so forth will bring death among the congregation before another year is out.

Another tradition holds that anyone who hears funeral bells tolling on Candlemas will soon hear of the death of a close friend or relative; each toll of the bell represents a day that will pass before the unfortunate news is learned.

Good weather at Candlemas is taken to indicate severe winter weather later. In America Candlemas evolved into Groundhog Day celebrated on the same date.

In France, Candlemas is celebrated with crêpes, which must be eaten only after eight p.m. If the cook can flip a crêpe while holding a coin in the other hand, the family is assured of prosperity throughout the coming year.

There are those who would argue that that Candlemas is not a Christianisation of the pagan festival of Imbolc.

Yeah, right!

Be aware of this. I had a lucky escape.

2007-01-30T19:06:00.000Z

I walked into B&Q at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in orange asked me if I wanted decking.

Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that was the end of that.

Those less suspecting might not be so lucky.

Another one gone.

2007-01-24T18:29:00.000Z

My daughter's fifth friend has died.

He was eighteen a couple of days ago. This one died of cancer. The other 4 in 3 car crashes.

This is not right.

When I was a kid grandparents died - not your school friends. And certainly not at this rate.

This is the shires not a war zone.

Auld Lang Syne

2007-01-22T16:24:00.000Z

Bit effing late - I know, but I really like this bluegrass banjo bloke, even though he looks like Dave in the Royle Family! Happy New Year!

This is still genius though, innit?

But these three have got to be smart arses!

England and Scotland: a disunited kingdom

2007-01-12T19:32:00.000Z

Not wishing to say I told you so, but I did actually tell you so.

"A majority of voters in both Scotland and England want the countries to split.

Failing that, both think England should have a Parliament of its own deciding on English affairs without any involvement of Scottish MPs.

The poll findings demonstrate deep and potentially fatal cracks in the 300-year union of the two countries, and threaten to present Gordon Brown with a constitutional crisis if he becomes Prime Minister.

In a further blow to Mr Brown, a majority in both countries want him to call an election within a year of coming to power, to secure his own mandate from the voters. "

Tony Blair is a tit!

From The Mail

Pimp my Ride!

2007-01-05T19:48:00.000Z

Yeah well I couldn't resist...

2007-01-03T16:22:00.000Z

There are other ways to be hanged...

2007-01-03T14:32:00.000Z


One shouldn't laugh...

The real thing isn't so funny.

2007-01-03T12:13:00.000Z

Please don't hit the play button unless you understand that you will see the actual execution.

I can't believe that it's just the poor quality of the video that makes this so medieval - it's like something from the Inquisition...

Saddam Jokes

2006-12-31T14:11:00.000Z

Well the first tasteless Saddam texts have just arrived at the Corder Batphone. Bit slow but, it's a start...

Got some Saddam Hussein shirts for Christmas. They're a bit tight around the neck but they hang well.

Went on the piss last nite with Saddam Hussein, you should see the state of him this morning. Talk about a hangover.

They're not very funny so, any offerings folk?

Gav's Station

2006-11-29T17:16:00.000Z

We may not be Aunty's favourite nephews and neices anymore but frankly Aunty Beeb is a capricious old hag who has a 'tache!

So I made a message board for us.

What do we think peeps? If it has any glitches, shout!

Little Miss Chav

2006-11-21T15:39:00.000Z

My younger daughter has this on her Bebo - deeply unsuitable I suppose but I can't fault her sense of humour. (Bebo is like My Space, it's a sort of blog system with bells and whistles for easily uploading videos, pictures, music and stuff).

Freedom to say that which does not offend is no freedom at all

2006-11-18T14:28:00.000Z

Gordon Brown demonstrates the correct method for strangling freedom of speech.

After that charming pair from the British National Party were rightly cleared of inciting racial hatred, our prime-minister-in-waiting's remarks about outlawing words that "offend mainstream opinion" were more worrying than anything uttered by the impotent bigots of the BNP. Freedom to say that which does not offend is no freedom at all. Indeed it is only "extreme" views that need protecting, since the mainstream can look after itself. Free speech means what it says - no bans on right wing demagogues, Islamist firebrands or even sexist football managers.

Worse still was the suggestion that the law should be altered to ensure that, next time the State stages a trial of political dissidents, they will be found guilty. Such cynical manipulation of the justice system for political ends is something we might normally associate with the "public safety" committee of some little police state.

Wonko rightly wonders what race hate laws have got to do with the Treasury, and the Tartan Taxman is runaway winner in his poll yet again.

I believe passionately that Brown should NOT be foist upon us. I do not want a democratically illigitimate Stalinist Prime Minister and if truth be told I can't imagine many of Nu Labour do either. But they seem to think he's some sort of benign comedy jock. (We ALL do love a comedy jock).

If they could see him for what he really is, they'd be suitably scared. Grrr. See.

Why can't we have a general election when Blair stands down? Then we can all vote for Nice Dave and hug a hoodie.

It's the way the eyes follow you...

2006-11-17T17:04:00.000Z

You know I like a bit of art, well, what makes it special is the way a static image seems to "live". You know, the way the eyes follow you round the room and you sort of imagine the picture is pulling faces behind your back.

But that would be silly, wouldn't it?

The Scorpion

2006-11-15T12:46:00.000Z

Traditional Scorpio Traits
Determined and forceful
Emotional and intuitive
Powerful and passionate
Exciting and magnetic

On the dark side....
Jealous and resentful
Compulsive and obsessive
Secretive and obstinate

LIKES

* Truth
* Hidden Causes
* Being involved
* Work That is Meaningful
* Being Persuasive

DISLIKES

* Being Given Only Surface data
* Taken Advantage of
* Demeaning Jobs
* Shallow Relationships
* Flattery and Flattering

Astrology...a load of old cobblers? Or is there something there?

Whatever! It's my birthday today! So I am awarding myself the order of the cake!

Creativity? Or an eye?

2006-11-09T18:16:00.000Z

Having determined by reading my previous post that I am completely creatively challenged, I would like to point out that I come from a very creative family. If you come here often, you'll know that we've just buried my Dad. That's his picture above.

The upside though, is that, it seems my Evil Daughter has inherited a bit of talent. She was accosted on all sides at the funeral by well-wishers, who told her how proud of her, her Grandfather had been. And her decision to study photography follows in his footsteps. Did I say my Dad had been a professional photographer?

That's the Evil One above. Anyway, I digress... her grandfather never saw her work yet bequeathed all his photographic equipment to her on his deathbed, which is kind of dubious since my sister had tried (unsuccessfully) to give away said equipment to her friend's university department before the old fella popped his clogs.

However, having never seen her work, I think his faith in the Evil One might be justified.

She came home with some amazing pictures today taken with the second hand SLR that we bought from the college for 70 quid and she printed by herself today, I think she may have something...

That's the cat (obviously)...

And that is younger daughter with a ubiquitous neighbour who she (younger daughter, not the Evil One) had been beating seven kinds of shit out of five minutes before... She (Evil One) overcropped but didn't have time to print again today. Blimey, I think that's a Christmas present for his parents!

If these pictures look less than sharp, or have a bit of backflash, it's because I've snapped them on the dining table with the digital camera in quivering hands...

I think she's got something.

What do you think?

Oh and I started that painting up top of my Dad while I was at still at school, finished it when I came home in the Christmas holiday after my first term at uni, 25 years ago! It's been stacked behind the mirror on the landing, best dust him off I thought...

Left brain / right brain conflict

2006-11-09T13:15:00.000Z

Since you all enjoyed my post about the left brain right brain conflict where you had to find the man's head, I thought you might enjoy this one.

You simply have to see how fast you can say the colours in the chart below. The aim of the game is to say the COLOUR not read the word.

It produces a left brain/right brain conflict, whereby the right brain tries to say the colour, and the left brain tries to read the colour. Personally I find it very hard not to read the word...

2006-11-07T15:33:00.000Z

Chavtastic!

2006-11-07T13:52:00.000Z

Being a chav is the new cool, according to Vogue.

The magazine claims chav fashion made famous by Little Britain's Vicky Pollard is the new chic for next year and dubs the trend "upmarket-downmarket."

Kebabs, jelly shoes, fluffy slippers and package holidays are listed in its predictions for 2007 cooldom.

Louis Vuitton has created jelly shoes for £160 per pair, diamante is big at Giorgio Armani, and iPod cases have been given the treatment by Miu Miu.

Package holidays, are now deemed cool because Club Med has opened a luxurious resort in Phuket, Thailand.

According to Sky a spokesman for Vogue said: "Cheap and cheerful favourites are going up in the world. The buzzphrase is 'upmarket-downmarket'."

What a relief! It seems the Evil Daughter is a trendsetter after all! And if she's very lucky I might let her have a car...

Christmas Stamps

2006-11-07T11:01:00.000Z

Would you say Adam Crozier is having a laugh at our expense because he can't take a bit of ribbing about being an overpaid fat cat? Is it religion that he's having a plop (sic) at? Or is it merely a coincidence? The Mirror doesn't think so.

Management Today

2006-11-04T16:19:00.000Z

I'm going to the pub.

2006-10-20T13:17:00.000+01:00

My sister used my Dad's phone to ring me, just now, I thought it was him. But she was ringing to say he died 10 minutes ago.

A friend texted me ten minutes before that to tell me his mother died at twenty past nine this morning. I'm going to join him in the pub.

Auto Commercial

2006-10-17T16:27:00.000+01:00

This ad is still one of the best I've seen, make sure your speakers are on and turned up because the sound track is a bit faint on this clip. It's not often that you see a piece of work and genuinely wish you'd made it, but this is one. It's subtle so you have to concentrate but it really gets to the heart of the brand proposition. It's just brilliant.

Why are there still doubts about Rooney's fitness?

2006-10-07T14:09:00.000+01:00

If this doesn't make you laugh....

2006-10-06T17:26:00.000+01:00

I was feeling a bit down in the dumps and a friend sent this to cheer me up! It worked! Speakers on.

How creative are you?

2006-10-06T16:06:00.000+01:00

The brain is divided into two major parts or hemispheres, the right brain and the left brain. Each of the parts of the brain specializes in its own style of thinking and has different capabilities.

The Left Brain

The left brain is associated with verbal, logical, and analytical thinking. It excels in naming and categorizing things, symbolic abstraction, speech, reading, writing, arithmetic. The left brain is very linear: it places things in sequential order -- first things first and then second things second, etc. If you reflect back upon our own educational training, we have been traditionally taught to master the 3 R's: reading, writing and arithmetic -- the domain and strength of the left brain.

The Right Brain

The right brain, on the other hand, functions in a non-verbal manner and excels in visual, spatial, perceptual, and intuitive information. The right brain processes information differently from the left brain.

For the right brain, processing happens very quickly and the style of processing is nonlinear and nonsequential. The right brain looks at the whole picture and quickly seeks to determine the spatial relationships of all the parts as they relate to the whole.

This component of the brain is not concerned with things falling into patterns because of prescribed rules. On the contrary, the right brain seems to flourish dealing with complexity, ambiguity and paradox. At times, right brain thinking is difficult to put into words because of its complexity, its ability to process information quickly and its non-verbal nature. The right brain has been associated with the realm of creativity.

So here's a little test:

Take a close look at the picture below and find the man's head.

If you can find the man's head in a few seconds your right brain is more developed than normal people, which means you are highly creative.

If you can find the Man's Head within 1 minute, your right brain is normally developed.

If you can find the Man's Head within 1-3 minutes, your right brain is slower in reacting, so you're probably more analytical than creative.

If you can't find the Man's Head, your right brain's a disaster... extremely slow in reacting, my only suggestion is to apply for the shortly to become avaialable position as Chancellor of the Exchequer.

AND YES THERE REALLY IS A MAN IN THERE... and yes this is faintly topical...

Good luck finding the man!

And before you all think I've abandoned my blog...

2006-09-19T18:59:00.000+01:00

I haven't!

I've been making them for others!

For whom do you think I might create a blog called "Maine Frame"? Rather witty I thought...

I've been asked to publicise Rupe's new blog....da da, DA DA DA, DA DA DAAAA!

It's here.

Sorry to forgo the bollocks...

2006-09-12T20:43:00.000+01:00

I will return to the medieval weaponry asap. Naturally. Since you all love it so much...

But I was just penning a quick update, about the kids, as a comment, and I'm thinking..."It''s my bloody blog... so why am I commenting?"

So yes well the Evil One likes it at College so far, in a kind of "it's like n Activity Club/Day Camp!" kind of way. She's doing BTECs in Radio, Acting and Photography.

Perhaps remaining in the school and actually DOING the A Levels in English Language, Theatre Studies and Business Studies, with an IT General Studies number on the side might have stretched her a bit more academically but, issues arise...

Because she already has an AS in Threatre Studies she's 2nd year acting which means she's burst into an established group. Gosh. She's now Hamlet's mother Gertrude. (The only unassigned part) She'll have to act her socks of in that role... Good!

The Philosopher is back from his retakes. WHO KNOWS! He's just announced t'wasn't the girlfriend ditching him, at the eleventh hour, 'twas an arrogance all his own that made him think he didn't have to try that hard...

Well, says I "If you've sussed that now, tell 'em that you've learnt your smug little bastard lesson and promise them that you'll now work your butt off..." He's kind of agreeing. Kind of...

The younger daughter's House Captain election campaign, speech and whatnot is for Friday as it transpires. (Well I did think that was a bit short notice).

And Johnny. Well Johnny just empathises with all his siblings.

"My girlfriend dumped me, but I'm OK. Plenty more out there"
"Out-act them!" [Goes into a Vicki Pollard impression]
"Tell them what they want, Yanna! Then ask for their support!"

Crumbs.

Johnny for PM? I believe there's a position going - round about May next year...

Now that's a bollock knife!

2006-09-07T19:07:00.000+01:00

From The Luttrell Psalter (British Museum MS. ADD. 42130), c. 1320-1340

A "ballok-kynf with boutones ouergylte" an early documentary reference dated to 1337 (Oxford English Dictionary).

I shall explain anon!

You lot are due a good bollocking!

2006-09-07T17:47:00.000+01:00

Sixty comments on the chutney post below and what do I do? Go back to talking bollocks. Well, Man cannot live on recipes alone, and I refuse to discuss knitting patterns... unless it's to talk about the chainmail coif history project, which comprised 6 and a half thousand steel rings in a classic English barley twist pattern...

But I digress. So herewith I pop my popularity bubble. Bollocks!

Fellow Witanagamoter Sperestillan (whose blog has another name to confuse the enemy) gave us the short and sweet (or should that be short and curly?) on the derivation of the word bollocks, which to my mind was music to the ears, not least because our damned colonial cousins continually choose to cock it up. It's only foreign folk who coyly use bollox or bollix, or "ballicks". So they, must be educated. Which means giving a bit of context to the word for the benefit of us Brits too.

Good word bollocks! And it's not offensive at all, as was proved by John Mortimer QC (autor of Rumpole of the Bailey) who defended in the trial of the Sex Pistols' 'Never Mind the Bollocks'.
The enormous brouhaha over the release and naming of their debut album Never Mind the Bollocks became farcical when Virgin was unable to place advertising because the media weren’t prepared to risk possible prosecution because of that magic word – bollocks! It seems impossible to believe now how much trouble and strife this album created on its release in November ’77. It was even being sold under the counter in brown paper bags in the high street, and couldn’t be put on open display in stores – well non Virgin ones anyway! The Woolworth’s chain then the UK’s biggest record retailer, refused to stock it at all despite it being the runaway biggest selling album in the country.

Charges were bought under the 1899 Indecent Advertising Act (which was repealed after the case). But old Mortimer was no slouch and he called upon the Reverend Professor James Kingsley to give evidence, (due to him being an expert).

He said it was used in records from the year 1000 and in Anglo Saxon times it meant a small ball. The term was also used to describe an orchid. He said that in the 1961 publication of Eric Partridge's Dictionary of Slang, he had not taken into account the use of the word bollocks in the Middle Ages. He said it appears in Medieval bibles and veterinary books. In the bible it was used to describe small things of an appropriate shape. For instance bollocks could also be traced to a pulley-block at the head of a sailing topmast, otherwise known as a bullock block.

He said that the word also appears in place names without stirring any sensual desires in the local communities. Mortimer said that this would be similar to a city being called Maidenhead - that didn't seem to cause the locals in the vicinity any problems.

Mr. Kingsley said that Partridge in his books wrote that bollocks remained in colloquial use down through the centuries and was also used to denote a clergyman in the last century. ''The word has been used as a nickname for clergymen. Clergymen are known to talk a good deal of rubbish and so the word later developed the meaning of nonsense,'' he said. ''They became known for talking a great deal of bollocks, just as old balls or baloney also come to mean testicles, so it has twin uses in the dictionary''.

Mr. Ritchie asked him if he was just an expert on the word bollocks to which Kingsley replied that he was an expert on the English language who felt he could speak with authority on the derivation of a word such as bollocks. Mr. Ritchie asked Kingsley if the words f***, c*** and shit also appeared in the Dictionary of Slang from which he had quoted. Kingsley replied ''if the word f*** does not appear in the dictionary it should.''

(By the way, 'f***' and 'sh**' are on my 'to do' list.)

Mr. Mortimer in summing up the case for the defense said: “What sort of country are we living in if a politician comes to Nottingham and speaks here to a group of people in the city centre and during his speech a heckler replies 'bollocks'. Are we to expect this person to be incarcerated, or do we live in a country where we are proud of our Anglo Saxon language? Do we wish our language to be virile and strong or watered down and weak?

Upon returning to the courtroom some 20 minutes later the chairman of the bench made this finding:

“Much as my colleagues and I wholeheartedly deplore the vulgar exploitation of the worst instincts of human nature for the purchases of commercial profits by both you and your company, we must reluctantly find you not guilty of each of the four charges.''

Loving you and leaving you for a bit. Bollock knives to follow....

Oh alright then! I'll give you a quick pic as a teaser....

For Sarnia - properly, pickled...

2006-09-02T12:11:00.000+01:00

Since Sarnia expressed an interest, herewith, I give you a private peek into the pickle pantry.

The little jar in front containing the yellowy greeny chutney is the green tomato one in question. That's all we've got left! The recipe makes about 4lbs. It's yummy.

Green Tomato Chutney

2lb green tomatoes
8oz onions, chopped
8oz cooking apples, peeled cored and chopped
10fl oz cider vinegar
4oz sultanas
1 teaspoon salt
½ teaspoon cayenne pepper
½ teaspoon dry English mustard
8oz light brown sugar

The recipe says you skin the tomatoes by blanching them in hot water for 30 seconds. I now know you need longer than that or the pesky skins don't come off and then run them under the cold tap or the skin comes off your finger tips rather the tomatoes!

You chop the flesh and put it in a preserving pan with the onions and apples.

Add about half the vinegar and cook gently until the fruit and vegetables are soft, stirring frequently. (I find stirring is vital, as it makes me feel chef-like and important as well as giving the impression to the casual onlooker that I know what I'm doing).

Add the remaining vinegar with the sultanas, salt, cayenne pepper, dry mustard and sugar and continue to cook slowly for about 15 minutes until the chutney starts to thicken.

Pot while still slightly runny, and seal the jars. I'm told it will keep for at least 3 months, but I can't see our last little pot remaining unconsumed for that long!

In case you're wondering about the rest of the tracklements in the cupboard. The two tall jars back left are pickled beetroot. So easy to do.

Pickled Beetroot

Just twist off the leaves, wash well and cook whole in a saucepan of salted water until just undercooked rather than soft. Cool them under the cold tap, then squirt them out of their skins. Pack them into clean warmed jars.

Boil vinegar with peppercorns and an inch or so of peeled sliced ginger for 10 minutes. Strain off the spices, then set aside to cool. Pour the vinegar over the beetroot, making sure it's completely covered. Seal and store.

By the way beetroot is fine in Sarsons ready-spiced pickling vingar too. Traditionally, you can 'gimp beetrots into grotesque shapes' before pickling i.e. carve them into little satyrs with humorously large penises and whatnot, but mine were small ones - so I refrained from dickering about with them!

The dark brown one in the large jar front left, by rights belongs in the 101 things to do with a courgette series. It's a hot spicy chutney but also lovely as a glaze for roast shoulder of lamb or chicken. Just spoon it over the roast about 20 minutes before the end of cooking time.

Courgette Chutney (aka Patent Power Pickle)
1½lb courgettes, thickly sliced
2 tablespoons salt
8oz chopped onion
3 cloves garlic, chopped
12oz muscovado sugar (dark, sticky stuff)
1½ pints red wine vinegar
8oz raisins
1 tablespoon lightly crushed coriander seeds
1 tablespoon peeled chopped root ginger
2 x dried chillies

Sprinkle the courgettes with half the salt and leave to drain in a colander overnight.

Next day, rinse, drain and pat dry. Put into a heavy pan with the onion, garlic, remaining salt, sugar, vinegar and cook gently for about 15 minutes, until the sugar has dissolved and the vegetables have softened.

Add the raisins, spices, ginger and chillies, stir well and cook at a steady simmer for another 25 minutes or until mixture is thick, stirring frequently. Put into warm dry jars.>

And the three large jars on the right are obviously pickled onions. But they've got that lovely rosy tinge because they are a mixture of red onions, small brown onions and shallots. Here they are soaking in their brine overnight prior to pickling.

Pickled Onions

2lb pickling onions
2oz salt
1 pint clear malt vinegar
1 teaspoon black pepper corns
1 teaspoon coriander seeds
2 bay leaves
2 dried chillies
1oz ginger, peeled and sliced

Peel the onions carefully with a sharp knife, removing only the minimum at the base and tip. Soak overnight in the salt mixed with a pint of cold water.

Next day, drain the onions and wash them in cold water to get rid of excess salt. Set aside to drain.

Put the vinegar in a pan with the peppercorns, coriander seeds, bay leaves, chillies and ginger and boil for 10 minutes. Set aside to get cold.

Pack the onions into cleaned warmed jars, wiping each one with a cloth to get rid of the last traces of moisture. Pour on the cold vinegar.

If you like a very strong flavour, include the whole spices in the pickle, otherwise strain them off. Make sure the onions are completely covered with vinegar. Seal the jars and keep for about 6 weeks before opening.

So that's it, really... pickling is a doddle!

Your father smelt of Elderberries...

2006-09-01T15:40:00.000+01:00

I no longer consider this to be an insult - the pythons were deluded fools!...And this is why.

First off the kids picked enough elderberries for a wine lake. Half the neighbourhood kids under the age of 13 were up in the trees like little crows. But heck you don't know how many berries you've got while they're on their little umbrells. You have to strip them off with a fork, which is great fun when you start, because they ping off all over the kitchen like miniscule black ink bombs. But if you do as many as this it becomes tiresome... (I bore easily!) However they do look all yummy and glossy like great fat caviar.

I was furnished with some excellent recipes and advice...

But I mixed and matched a bit, because quite a few knowledgeable types suggested that some apples and/or plums might lighten the wine in a pleasant sort of way. So as the neighbours' apple and plum trees were tantalisingly offering their bounty over their owners' perimeters, I stuck some in. The apples took on a rather fetching pink colour from the eldedrberry juice. Look at that! Good enough to eat!

The idea then was to slosh in a bit of water and boil them up to kill off any bad bacteria. Hmm yes but those old grannies had bloody great cauldrons, didn't they? I found I had to use every pan in the house!

I sloshed the fruit into the "primary fermentation vessel" - that's a bloody great bucket to you - and as I hadn't been able to get the sugar in the pans, as well as all that goodness, I dissolved the sugar in some water from the kettle and sloshed it in after the fruit.

You have to give it a stir, then wait until it's lukewarm to stir in the yeast. And there it sits - stewing for a couple of days.

This weekend I'm due to sieve the mixture... I (not unlike the Kaiser Chiefs) predict a riot... the potential for purple goo all over the shop is positively thrilling! Then the bung and airlock go in and I shall have to use every means at my disposal to resist the tempation to drink the wine for at least six weeks.

That's 5 gallons or 30 bottles. Should be ready for Christmas at a pinch. Yum!

I may regale you in another post with elderberry trivia, such as the fact that elderberries come from elder (Sambucus nigra) which is where you get sambuca (you know the liqueur witha coffe bean in it that you light in restaurants)which is made by infusing Elderberries and anise into alcohol.

Or I might not...

Englishry

2006-08-31T23:40:00.000+01:00

I've learnt a lovely new word. Englishry.

I bet you'd diss your mate if he proposed it in a game of Scrabble. Englishry? You what? It's not a word, mate!

Well it is. But even if you look for the word, there's not a lot of it about. Not even in the wonderful Wikipedia. Largely because it's a legal term, which was repealed by Edward III in 1340. But law all the same.

It was an old law even at the time, dating back to the Conquest, which stated that if a man was found slain, he was presumed to be Norman unless proved to be English.

If it could not be proved that he was English, those living in the hundred in which he was found were fined.

Quite smart really, of the Normans, I'd say. "Murder your own to your hearts' content, but snaffle one of ours and we'll sting you where it hurts. In your pocket!" Seriously. Clever move for a small invading force. But the wish of the Commons to repeal it is indicative of the great change. Everyone was (and wanted to be) English. And no-one was gagging for an ID card to prove it!

In the same parliament Ed3 gave the first tax relief for the poor. It was stressed that it was not the wish of the king or the magnates nor of the commons that the new tax should be extended to 'poor cottagers or those who lived by their labour.' I agree entirely, the tax threshold should start at 35K...but that's another post...

Now while Ed3 is my favourite King, it should be noted that in 1340, he'd been abroad for the best part of two years.

He'd left his heavily pregnant queen in Ghent, as surety for his debts (where she subsequently gave birth to John of Gaunt (Ghent). And now he needed parliament to grant taxes. They would grant no further taxation without concessions, but he was prepared to grant what they wanted.

This process of creating legislation - responding to social demands in return for extraordinary taxation - was effectively selling laws. As a result it has bee attacked as a haphazard legislative programme. It certainly suggests he had no domestic legislative agenda at the time - how could he, he'd been away for a couple of years?

But was a responsive approach to lawgiving a negative thing? After all, most modern laws are passed n reaction to changing social circumstances and pressure from the grassroots. And he needed the goodwill of parliament (as well as the taxes) to finance the bedrock of his policy: to keep he enemies of England on the defensive and in their own lands.

If you would like to know more about Ed3, I commend you most highly to a new biography, wot I'm reading. Click the image link and buy it, even!

Categories: English Language_, History_, England_

Elderberries!

2006-08-23T21:27:00.000+01:00

I'd just like to say I now have permission to use this shot. Great innit? You must look at this guy, Gene Wilburn's photos. Here. If you're reading Rupe, what do you think?

Here starteth ye olde original poste:

I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

Is there someone else up there we can talk to?
No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.

Not really my loyal readers! I have been so lax lately that I am really charmed that you all still keep coming back. Thank you. I really appreciate it.

I have a number of posts researched, if not prepared, (yeah yeah yeah, that's what I tell the client all the time!)

However, I do have some fine photo-journalism... (What? In my own way, like the bublifuk post...) of one of my experiences in the hundred and one things to do with a courgette series - it is novel... (new! Not a bloody book!) (Phew!)

I have a bollocks post inspired by Sperestillan here but with much more punk and court cases, as well as medieval weaponry, as you might expect.

And getting back to the elderberries...I have approached a really good photographer, to see if I can use his elderberry image, because I can't take a shot like that, no matter how hard I try. The shame of it that my dear Papa was a professional photographer!

However, the elderberries are fit to drop with all this rain. My wine-making cannot commence until the picking of the berries, but I've got to go to a wedding tomorrow. (Unless Kenny bottles again in which case the bride has to go home to China....)

So maybe the weekend will be a post frenzy...?

A Lefty Lexicon

2006-08-18T15:26:00.000+01:00

Term - followed by usage or meaning from here.

A
Agenda - describes any collection of policies: 'equality agenda' for instance. Invariably needs to be 'taken forward'.

Aggressive outreach - the process of actively soliciting trade for social workers. Generally employed when 'customers' fail to show required enthusiasm for services on offer.

B
Beacon of excellence - archaism: any organ of state that achieved - or 'delivered' - what it was supposed to.

Best practice - normally 'established' when a Lefty wants to saddle a process with more complexity. Replaces 'working it out yourself'.

C
Child-centred - education: "we can't be bothered to teach them… perhaps they'll do it themselves".

Class - grouping people by the contents of their wallet rather than, say, how they think, feel or behave as individuals.

Consultation - a formal system for ignoring public views while patronising them at the same time. London's Congestion Charge for instance.

Community leader - someone plucked from obscurity to represent 'the views of the community' for the purposes of 'consultation'. NB never elected to this position.

Critique - media, academia: same as 'rebuttal'. When a Lefty alleges that someone's writing is 'riddled with factual inaccuracies' then mysteriously fails to identify any.

D
Delivery - as in "delivered against targets". Means 'achieve'.

Disproportionate - foreign affairs: Describes any act by USA or Israel.

Delegitimise - what we do if we suggest that a favoured Lefty client group may contain members who are not wholly beyond criticism as individuals.

Diversity - creating a workforce based on how people look rather than on their skills or aptitude

E
Equal - as in 'opportunities': describes the desire to have a workforce resemble the population it comes from, rather than matched to the task in hand. See 'diversity'.

Egalitarian - "if I can't have one, then neither can you". Shared misery much better than unevenly scattered joy.

Evidence based - backing policy decisions with selective social science research.

F
Fascism/Nazism - apparently the 'opposite' of Socialism - despite sharing party members, ideology and - in National Socialism - the name.

G
Gender issues - grouping people by their sex rather than how they think, feel or behave as individuals.

'Green' issues - "if we can't control the means of production then we'll close it down". NB. the US is the 'biggest polluter in the world' which is wholly unrelated to the fact it's the world's most productive economy.

H
Hate-crime - same as 'normal' crime as far as victims are concerned - but much more distressing for Lefties.

Hate-speech - "shut up!".

Human rights - using the legal system to pursue political ends.

I
Inclusive - Means 'drop entry standards until anyone can get in'.

Impartial - media, BBC: the balance achieved by attacking the Opposition for being Conservative and attacking the Government for being insufficiently Lefty. In partnership with… - Government: "this way, none of us get the blame when nothing happens!".

Inappropriate - "I don't like this" - no explanation for what or whom must ever be given.

Intolerance - Intolerance can only committed against certain defined groups of people. These do not include, Americans, the middle class, white manual workers, rural people, business and Christians obviously.

Institutional racism - 'racism' in a workforce that is achieved unknowingly and in ways that cannot be specifically defined.

Islamophobic - anyone who objects to having their transport blown up on the way to work.

Israel - see 'disproportionate' and 'legitimate grievances'. Country the size of Wales, with 5m inhabitants, that is entirely responsible for any and all delinquent Islamist behaviour the world over.

Issues around… - "I may be out of my depth here".

J
Justice - Government: as in 'social justice'. Means taking money earned by the general public to give to particular groups that Lefties approve of. Replaces market economics.

K
Key - Government: most things are 'key', in particular 'drivers', 'learnings', 'deliverables'. In education, all school 'stages' are 'key'.

L
Legitimate grievances - foreign affairs: why we're all to blame for deranged Islamists murdering people in the developed world.

Liaise - the day-to-day process of Lefty Government. Replaces 'work'.

Learnings - means 'lessons'.

M
Marx - a Victorian gentleman whose theories cannot be disproved by observation, experience or factual evidence. See 'religion' and 'post-modernism'.

Multi-cultural - All culture is valid - unless Western in some way. Usually to be 'celebrated' and always found to be 'vibrant'. See 'diversity'.

N
Nazi - informal: describes non-Lefty views and useful to link with people Lefties don't like. Thus Germany's Nazi period is the only noteworthy formative experience of Pope Benedict.

NGO - Non Governmental Organisation - the repository of all moral authority in Lefty World and whose words and motives may never be questioned.

O
Organised labour - what Lefties used to be interested in.

P
Palestinians - archetype 'victims' no matter how many teenagers they murder in bars and fast food outlets. Never responsible for anything they do - or done in their name - because of 'root causes' or 'legitimate grievances'.

Post-modern - modern French 'philosophical': literature claiming that no account of events can be trusted. 'Texts' must be 'deconstructed' for their hidden meanings - except those by post-modernists, to be taken at face value.

Precautionary Principle - allows unnecessary actions which lack "evidence based" backing.

Progressive - describes ideas generally thought up around 40 years ago - that still don't work.

Q
al Qaeda - Muslim 'militants' who for some reason or other continue to kill far more Muslims than people of any other faith.

R
Race issues - grouping people by their skin colour as opposed to how they think, feel or behave as individuals.

Racist - means "shut up!" - and is much, much worse than being violent, thoughtless or unkind. In fact, easily the worst crime ever conceived of.

Relevant - education: something badly written, with references to se*x and full of swear-words. Always better than literature by 'dead white people'.

Religion - Christianity: irrational, dangerous belief that material things may not be the principal motive behind human behaviour.
Judaism: most Israelis are Jewish, so probably 'intolerant'.
Islam: always needs to be 'understood'.

Root causes - foreign affairs: Usually need to be 'examined'. Belief in 'root causes' reflects dogged Lefty habit of trying to see contemporary religious issues through the prism of 'class analysis'.

Risk-based - either an excuse not to do something or to take excessive action.

S
Skills-based - education: "teach the little ba**ards Microsoft Word or something. They don't actually need to know anything…".

Social exclusion - where bad people, behaving badly, somehow became our fault.

South Africa - a national showcase for Lefty policies with a one-party state, some of the worst crime levels in the world, tragic AIDS mortality and declining economy.

Stereotype - any attempt to describe the general characteristics of a group favoured by Lefties.

Stigmatise - what we do to anti-social people if we ask them to stop.

Subsidised art - art no one would buy.

Sustainability - relates to any actions (or non-actions) that have no relevance to a Department's original purpose.

T
Take forward - use instead of 'do'.

Terrorist - no such thing. Only people suffering from 'root causes' and 'legitimate grievances'.

Transgressive - term of approval for anything 'challenging established values' - but generally puerile, annoying and dumb.

U
Unilateral - media, BBC: used to describe any act by the United States in furtherance of its national interest.

United Nations - the NGO of NGOs. All foreign policy has to be 'in partnership with the UN and our European Allies', unless bombing Serbia - which requires neither.

V
Victim - see 'Terrorist', 'Palestinians', 'gender issues', 'race issues' and 'social exclusion'.

W
Workers - notional 'class' of people that Lefties once claimed to represent. Now replaced by college lecturers, human rights lawyers, pressure group employees, civil servants with 'liaise' in their job title - and other people you would probably not want over for supper

Police halt 'anti-social' hopscotch game

2006-07-31T16:04:00.000+01:00

TWO teenage girls have been targeted by police - for playing hopscotch in their Midland street, reports the Birmingham Mail.

Officers swooped on Kayleigh Mangan and Georgina Smallwood, both 14, claiming they were behaving in an "anti-social" manner by playing the childhood game.

The community support officers also ticked the girls off for chalking too many hopscotch grids on the pavement in Spring Street in Halesowen.

The action by the bobbies was today defended by West Midlands Police, who said the girls were committing "low-level crime".

Of course they were! Clearly this pair should have been unlawfully, riotously and tumultuously assembled together with a dozen like minded chums for the consumption of vodka until 2am, like any other 14 year old in Britain today. Hopscotch! I ask you whatever next!

Beans and Bacon

2006-07-20T22:22:00.000+01:00

We had lovely home-grown broadbeans for dinner tonight, with bacon naturally. And a jacket spud and garlic mushrooms...mmmmn food fit for an Englishman!

Why fit for an Englishman? Because G.K. Chesterton said so, "Unless you give him bacon, You mustn't give him beans."
Since you were unfamiliar with the quote, Zeb, this post is for you.

The Englishman
by G.K.Chesterton

St George he was for England,
And before he killed the dragon
He drank a pint of English ale
Out of an English flagon.
For though he fast right readily
In hair-shirt or in mail,
It isn't safe to give him cakes
Unless you give him ale.

St George he was for England,
And right gallantly set free
The lady left for dragon's meat
And tied up to a tree;
But since he stood for England
And knew what England means,
Unless you give him bacon
You mustn't give him beans.

St George he is for England,
And shall wear the shield he wore
When we go out in armour
With battle-cross before.
But though he is jolly company
And very pleased to dine,
It isn't safe to give him nuts
Unless you give him wine.

Cracking stuff, eh?

Following on from Finn's comment on this post, I suppose it's easy to think garlic un-English. Here's why, picture via Tommy English.

So I'm transferring this from the comments to the main post:

Shakespeare thought garlic so commonplace that he has Bottom say, "And, most dear actors, eat no onions nor garlick, for we are to utter sweet breath" (Midsummer Night's Dream, Act IV, Scene 2).

Going back further to the Middle Ages, Chaucer was at it too "Wel loved he garlek, oynons, and eek lekes, And for to drynken strong wyn reed as blood."(Prologue, The Canterbury Tales).

Mind you garlic's always been considered vulgar...perhaps that's it. The rest of the world thinks we're too posh for garlic...

Warm

2006-07-19T21:52:00.000+01:00

I adore the warm weather. As a kid my folks spent some years in Australia, which was wonderful.

I don't like cold. I don't complain about hot...

Except, I've got bloody puffy ankles! Only OLD people get puffy ankles in the heat.

So instead of looking tanned and lithe, I've suddenly got feet fit for nothing more strenuous than Crown Green Bowling!

Shit!

[By the way that fan image is a gif animation that Blogger doesn't support, and Photobucket is having a funny half hour - I'll make the Zephyr blow at you again in due course!]

Ye olde shit hath hitteth the fan!

Walkers are Wankers

2006-07-15T19:18:00.000+01:00

I apologise for the marrow diversion, but must note that (as we all know) the people who make Walkers Crisps just want to be wrong and they want to annoy the Nation while they are about it.

We all know. We have always known that crisp packet colours are universal, thus Plain Crisps (not Ready Salted - who ever asked for Ready Salted?) are red. Even Walkers appear to have grasped this.

And as we ALL know it has been a source of HUGE annoyance for some years that when the kids ask for "Green Crisps" they mean "Cheese & Onion". Obviously. But if the bar stocks Walkers, you come back with "Salt & Vinegar".

Or "What flavour would you like?". "Blue, please". Obviously means Salt and Vinegar. NOT Cheese & Bloody Onion!

Right. There is no-one in this land that disagrees with the annoyannce value in the return to the bar with the wrong flavour (not wrong colour) crisps.

But they've only gone one further now, Cheddar Cheese Crisps are NOT yellow! Chicken Crisps are yellow. Obviously.

But Walkers have not sussed is that we hate the pain and anxt caused by the wrong purchases.

So I hereby call upon my fellow countrymen and women, "Boycott the Walkers bastards and save your marriage"!

For crying out loud, Walkers - DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! What is wrong with you???????????

I have bought a bloody great bag now, with the wrong things in it! So the upshot is that I am NEVER ever ever buying Walkers crisps again! And should I be divorced I'm sueing YOU Walkers!

101 Things to do with a courgette....Part 1

2006-07-14T19:41:00.000+01:00

As I have planted eight courgette plants, (what? It's only a row!) it seems we have something of a surfeit...as is apparent from my beer fridge situation. Equally, as anyone who has ever tried growing them will know, that anaemic little winky that you refrained from picking yesterday can swell overnight into a great tumescence; a great courge or giant marrow. Now, either this can be seen a joyous miracle of Mother Nature's Bounty...

Or you can get quite jolly about great swollen monsters over a few beers!

That's if you have any beer left after your beer fridge becomes the marrow store...I'm not bitter! No, that should read, I've got no bitter... Anyway, I grant you the 'marrow as member' is childish, but it is funny... Look! Who hasn't made the connection? (And no! Before you all ask. This is not a picture of me!).

Right, so I'm going to have to get creative with these babies, as we're going to be seeing quite a bit of them. So far we have done three recipes, but naturally we started at the beginning (just like the Von Trapp children):

1. Steamed Courgette.
Half a dozen normal size courgettes, by which I mean, 6 inches long - (actually six inches is quite sufficient...I would say on the generous side of normal... anything else is unnecessarily ostentatious - in courgettes obviously) simply sliced into half inch wide discs, (if you are going to put up with my cooking stories, you'll have to get used to the fact that I do a curiously eclectic mixture of imperial and metric measurements, within which I don't do weight. No scales, you see...I may have to make an investment if my culinary adventures are not to prove impossible to replicate...I will consider it).

Where was I? Oh yes, place the slices in a bowl with a knob of butter, cling film over the top and microwave on full throttle for 8 minutes. Salvage the rest of your meal from burning. Then give your Pyrex (did I mention Pyrex? should have) bowl a good shake, and stick it back in for a further 5 minutes.

This is how anybody in their right mind ever cooks courgettes.

Here beginneth my culinary journey - among more marrows than you can shake a stick at!

Then there is the obligatory:

2. Stuffed Marrow

Yes stuffed! Stop sniggering at the back! Take a large (shall we say engorged) one, that is more courge than courgette...

Nope, this is not right! There's engorged and gorging! You are not getting this all at once! Stuffed Marrow has got to be "101 Things to do with a courgette....Part 2"

Look what happens when you go away!

2006-07-12T17:01:00.000+01:00

Before last weekend, this was my beer fridge. See what happens when you go camping! Yes camping Sarnia, people do do it, especially when they go to festivals. Even festivals with training wheels for beginners, like Shalbourne.

Such miraculous goings-on are made possible when you have the kind of friends who think it's a jolly wheeze to pack up their kids in order to pitch five tents and a caravan in a circle, like a wagon train braced for a Comanche attack. Friends such as these are pictured above. So you sling your entire beer collection and a wine box into the boot and off you go with the two younger kids.

Sounds perfect doesn't it? You are with your easily pleased friends (the ones who don't think life without room service isn't worth living, the ones who laugh a lot and actually enjoy getting pissed in a field and barbequeing in the rain...) and your younger children (who are not yet ashamed to be associated with you in public, even if you're pissed), in order to listen to the Wurzels, Doctor and the Medics and the Counterfeit Stones. You get to sample the squalor of the Isle of Wight festival yet on a managable scale.

While your car is blocked into the field making a motorised getaway both alcoholically illegal and phyically impossible, at only 8 miles from home, if the kids really can't hack the toilets, or the Wurzels guzzle all the cider in the beer tent, you could theoretically call a cab and go home!

But the horror of it is that you enjoy yourself for the entire weekend, neglecting your other duties and your courgettes turn into marrows the minute your back is turned! Look at the size of those babies! Just as well I have no beer left eh?

Video killed the World Cup Star...

2006-07-10T11:29:00.000+01:00

and it ended with a headbutt

Well with respect, who isn't flawed? Are you perfect?

Salutary Story On a Wet Friday Afternoon...

2006-07-07T15:51:00.000+01:00

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the planning laws by building the Ark in my garden and exceeding the height limitations and had to go to the Council Planning Committee for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the Department of the Environment ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. The Home Office is checking the immigration status of most of the people who want to work.

The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience. To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "Your government beat me to it."

Category: Jokes_ (well the Government is a bloody joke!)

En famille chez Corder, Part 2

2006-06-30T17:41:00.000+01:00

Well if the Emperor can do multi-part posts about next to nothing so can I....I'm equally easily pleased as you may deduce by reading this.

As a bit of a reward for assisting with all that broad bean podding last night, younger daughter was furnished with a bubble gun from Tesco's. Now, we've had bubble guns before, that...well frankly, they were a tad disappointing. But this bubble gun is a piece of quality merchandise. Just look at the multi-bubble stream-throwing action in the picture above.

Not only that, but it does great big bubbles with lots of little bubbles inside, so when the big one bumps into something and bursts, all the little ones are liberated. Look at this...

Younger daughter and I were mightily impressed with this, as were the next-door under fives in the gardens on either side. We entertained ourselves until the bubble mixture ran out.

Then reluctantly, as the shadows lengthened, we gathered up the discarded packaging, which in our excitement to crack into the bubble action, we had cast about us on the patio. Inside there was a handy leaflet, in multiple European languages, which I happened to glance at. I am SO glad I did. Just when I thought this product couldn't get any better, offering as it had hours of fun for all the family, I saw this:

It's only called a Bublifuk Pistole! I call that a product! Put Bublifuk Pistole on the packaging and you'd make your fortune flogging that to students.

Quality! Best three and a half quid I've spent in a long time!

En famille, chez Corder, Part 1

2006-06-30T12:35:00.000+01:00

Growing vegetables is very educational for the sprogs. They get to learn where food comes from. And to tell a parsnip from a turnip. And that there is a whole lot of mud involved. That kind of thing.

The children also learn about preparing food. It is symptomatic of our modern, convenience-driven lives that we generally don't waste time opening natures packaging to get at the edible bits inside. We get some other poor flunkey or unwanted asylum seeker to that for us. And so we buy our peas and beans ready podded and "fresh frozen". I've never actually understand that term, "fresh frozen"...well is it fresh or is it frozen, it can't be both...but I digress.

So for the first time in her life my younger daughter sat in the garden yesterday evening podding broad beans with me in the gentle sunlight. It was a most companionable excercise which reminded me of sitting with my grandmother podding peas a lifetime ago. It was at such times that Granny would impart all sorts of folklore and magic, rhymes and incantations. I may have mentioned this before but I had a very magical grandmother, who although lacking the tall black hat, was both Welsh and a witch. She taught me planting charms such as:

One for the pigeon,
One for the crow,
One to rot,
And one to grow.

And told the most wonderful stories that were a bit like soap operas. They were never ending sagas but each episode ended on a cliffhanger. When she came to stay my sister and I were doubled up into the one room, and the bedtime refrain was "Tell us a story, Granny!". She would feign unwillingness but settling herself into the big wicker chair in the nursery, she'd invariably say, "Now, where was I?" as though she's not been away.

I found myself whittering away reminiscing in such a vein to my younger daughter as we podded the broad beans, when she atonished me with the observation that "beans are like inside out cats!".

She's quite right, you know. Broad bean pods ARE fluffy on the inside. Here is a picture of Fester for comparison. Please observe carefully the external nature of the fluff. Gosh, my daughter reminds me of Granny sometimes!

More about Fester here and here.

Addition to this post for his fans: there is another picture of Fester here. Click on the pictures and you can see him in all his glory. Blimey he'll need an agent at this rate!

Oh stop your w(h)ining!

2006-06-23T14:18:00.000+01:00

Europe is producing too much wine for which there is no market resulting in an enormous wine surplus (leading to the rather delicious-sounding ‘European wine lake’) and an increased reliance on ‘crisis distillation’, whereby wine is turned into industrial ethanol.

The EU’s 'crisis distillation' measure was supposed to be for exceptional circumstances. Regrettably, it has now become a regular tool of market management and is even being used for so-called 'quality' wine. This is an unsustainable - some might say crazy - way to spend taxpayers’ money. We are paying huge sums to distil wine, store it, and in some cases turn it into bioethanol for use in cars and factories.

Yesterday Mariann Fischer Boel, Member of the European Commission responsible for Agriculture and Rural Development announced a range of measures to reform the EU wine market.

Ms Fischer Boel said the distillation schemes made no economic sense. "Distillation is supposed to be a crisis measure, instead it has become a way to regulate the market," she said. "It is a ridiculous way to spend taxpayers' money."

She called for an end to rules that forbid EU winemakers from blending grapes of a single variety, such as chardonnay, from more than one region, and selling them under simple, self-explanatory labels like "2005 Australian Chardonnay".

Instead, European labelling rules are unhelpful to many consumers, focusing on telling them which "château" or "domaine" a wine is from, and whether it is an "appellation contrôlé", a "grand cru", or a "crianza". Instead, the commission wants to have just two categories of wine: wine with geographical indication and wines without.

Stopping the “crisis distillation” and reforming the labelling are plain common sense. Protectionist labelling has obviously backfired. Although I fervently hope that Europe doesn't resort to making dumbed down Esperanto wines to compete with Australia and California.

But other measures include grubbing-up incentives which see the EU financing 'uncompetitive producers to leave the sector'. Brussels is looking for 400,000ha of vines to be pulled up over a five-year period.

You what? They are uncompetitive so we will PAY them to go out of business? That makes sense in what place other than the EU?

Basically we are awash in bad wine. My solution?

Let the producers of bad wine go out of business all by themselves. Putting the varietal type on the label, won’t sacrifice the individual personalities of the great wine regions for goodness sake! And keep the price of decent wines within the reach of ordinary people’s pockets

So pour the damn Chateau Protectionism 2006 down the drain and let market forces re-invigorate the sector. Thus saving the tax payer a considerable sum. No that's far too obvious for the EU!

Oh dear, The Telegraph Leader writer agrees with me! How disconcerting.!

English Warrior

2006-06-22T11:20:00.000+01:00

Wayne Rooney, fists clenched, arms outstretched, celebrating a goal (or being crucified) while covered in white and red paint (or is it blood?) forming a cross on his body. Wow what an image!

Predictably, The Daily Mail has its little England knickers in a twist at this already iconic Nike ad: Nike attacked over Rooney 'warrior' picture. Then runs ANOTHER image of it as columnist, Stephen Glover, tuts and is revolted by the crusader connotations.

“This is a depiction of primitive, violent man — a bloodthirsty barbarian lifted from the dark ages.

There is an echo too, surely deliberate, of Christ's crucifixion. Rooney's arms are outstretched, as those of Christ on the cross, and his hands are half clasped, as Renaissance painters often showed the nailed hands of Christ. Perhaps unsurprisingly, Nike has cynically mixed up its theology. Rooney is part Woden, the Norse god of war, part the suffering but triumphant Christ.

Why does the multinational sportswear manufacturer Nike choose to depict him in a new poster as a vicious bloodstained warrior and a sort of primitive Norse god?”

Well really Mr Glover, if you have to ask! Such shameless dissembling!

Nike is all innocence, obviously. A Nike spokeswoman told The Associated Press that the ad was not intended to have religious connotations.

"Absolutely not. It's just a celebration of Wayne and the unique way he celebrates when he scores a goal, with his arms outstretched and his fists clenched. That suggested England's flag to us. It's not intended to have religious connotations at all," she said.

Yeah right

Frankly I think it’s a damn fine "tactical execution" created by Nike's ad agency Wieden + Kennedy. The Independent calls it “the most graphic use of blood in an ad since Benetton's newborn baby", I’d agree with that and concur that it conjures up all the powerful imagery that the Mail pretends to be offended by.

As Stephen Brook in the Guardian asks “what of the official sponsorship partner? At this stage of the game they are pretty much invisible. The score is Nike 6 Adidas 0.”

Top work chaps! And where can I get a poster for the kids?

National Anthem

2006-06-19T16:14:00.000+01:00

Following the Olympics, the world and his mate appeared to be labouring under the misapprehension that Land of Hope and Glory was the national anthem of England.

Now that we are well into the World Cup Group Stage, the nation has had to witness the England team mouthing along to the dirge that is ‘God Save the Queen’, twice. Now don’t get me wrong, there's absolutely nothing wrong with ‘God Save the Queen’ apart from the fact that it is the British anthem; the musical equivalent of the Union Flag, not the cross of St George. When the Scots and Welsh sing their anthems with gusto and then boo ‘God Save the Queen’, it really is time for England to settle the issue and pick an anthem for England. I am pleased to direct you to the Anthem 4 England website, for a lot of info and interactivity on the subject.

However, I was musing on this yesterday as France prepared to play South Korea, and by heck that Marseillaise is bloody good, isn’t it? Not least because it is a Chant de Guerre, a battle song, a marching song, a song to carry you to war.

When in April 1792 the French Revolution declared war on the two powerful German monarchies, Habsburgs and the Hohenzollerns, Frédéric de Dietrich, the mayor of Strasbourg, was concerned. In a conversation with Joseph Rouget de Lisle (a captain and engineer in the French army), de Dietrich expressed his desire motivate soldiers and the citizens to defend the city and the country. De Deitrich implored the captain to write a song to rouse the people.

La Marseillaise was composed in one night, 24 April, 1792. It was played at a patriotic banquet at Marseilles, and printed copies were given to the revolutionary forces then marching on Paris. They entered Paris singing this song, and to it they marched to the Tuileries on August 10th.

Ironically, Rouget de Lisle was himself a royalist and refused to take the oath of allegiance to the new constitution. He was imprisoned and barely escaped the guillotine.. Originally entitled Chant de guerre de l'armeé du Rhin (War Song of the Army of the Rhine), the anthem became called La Marseillaise because of its popularity with volunteer army units from Marseilles.

The Convention accepted it as the French national anthem in a decree passed July 14, 1795. La Marseillaise was banned by Napoleon during the Empire, and by Louis XVIII on the Second Restoration (1815), because of its revolutionary associations. Authorised after the July Revolution of 1830, it was again banned by Napoleon III and not reinstated until 1879.

Just listen.

It famously became the anthem of anarchists and revolutionaries everywhere, but I defy anyone to demonstrate a more powerful usage of the song than the "duel of the songs" in the film ‘Casablanca’ when Victor Laszlo (the Resistance leader played by Paul Henreid) exhorts the band to play La Marseillaise competing against the Germans singing " Die Wacht am Rhein".

This is what Lazlo says to the band.

In Casablanca, La Marseillaise represents a free France, and, by extension, the Allied side in World War II. The song plays many times throughout Casablanca, most significantly when almost all the patrons at Rick's join in a stirring rendition intended to overwhelm the sound of the Nazi anthem that a few German soldiers are singing.

In this dramatic scene, World War II shifts from geopolitical contest to ideological and cultural battle. The war is not only between the Allies and the Axis, but also between the ideals of the French Revolution, liberté, egalité, fraternité (liberty, equality, brotherhood), and the rights of man, and the darker obsessions of the Nazis, including evil, tyranny, and death. In this scene, the patrons of Rick's show themselves to be fiercely pro-Allies. Even the cynically promiscuous Yvonne, who just that evening has shown up with a new German lover, sings with passion and conviction.

Allons enfants de la Patrie
Le jour de gloire est arrivé.
Contre nous, de la tyrannie,
L'étandard sanglant est levé,
l'étandard sanglant est levé,
Entendez-vous, dans la compagnes.
Mugir ces farouches soldats
Ils viennent jusque dans nos bras
Egorger vos fils,
vos compagnes.

Let us go, children of the fatherland
Our day of Glory has arrived.
Against us stands tyranny,
The bloody flag is raised,
The bloody flag is raised.
Do you hear in the countryside
The roar of these savage soldiers
They come right into our arms
To cut the throats of your sons,
your country.

Aux armes citoyens!
Formez vos bataillons,
Marchons, marchons!
Qu'un sang impur
Abreuve nos sillons.

To arms, citizens!
Form up your battalions
Let us march, Let us march!
That their impure blood
Should water our fields

All that talk of watering the fields with impure blood is not exactly PC but blimey, it's dead good, innit? Come on England! Altogether now, "Vindaloo, Vindaloo, Vindaloo nah na na nah"....

A ditty for dyslexics....

2006-05-15T19:36:00.000+01:00

Well not just dyslexics, Six agonises about his grammar, Gildy's commented about it, Span is spelling plough plow - but that's him just being a slapdash cutnpaster, having admitted dyslexia Lucy has required us all to remove the word verification anti spam device, and my youngest is dyslexic! So...any more for any more in the name check department? No? Then let's get onto a the spell check department, with a poem my Dad sent me for new year. (Yes he's a silver surfer).

Eye have a spelling chequer, it came with my pea sea,
It plainly marques four my revue, Miss takes eye can knot sea.
Eye strike the quays and type a word and weight four it two say,
Weather eye am rite oar wrong, it shows me strait aweigh.
As soon as a mist take is maid it nose bee four two long,
and I can put the error rite, it's rare lea ever wrong.
I've run this poem threw it, eye am shore yore pleas two no,
It's letter perfect in its weigh, my chequer tolled me sew,

Size matters

2006-05-10T22:14:00.000+01:00

Span is all of a lather over on Mag’s blog on a matter of size. I should never have told Mags that a span is 9 inches… oh well such is the cross one bears. As I’ve made a biblical reference, I might as well point out that Goliath (yes the very fellow slain by David) was reputed to be "six cubits and a span" tall. A cubit was generally reckoned to be the measurement from Noah’s elbow to the tip of his middle finger. Well these things were a bit variable…Or were they?

Well Noah and his arm might be but there were 12 inches to the foot, 3 feet to the yard, five yards and one foot and six inches to the rod (or pole or perch), 4 rods (or poles or perch) to the chain, 10 chains to the furlong, and 8 furlongs to the statute mile.

My allotment is nine poles. But how much is that then? And is it always the same? And why is it a pole?

The pole was the ox-goad the medieval ploughman used to control his team of eight oxen. In order to reach the leading pair he had to have a long pokey thing which had to be sixteen and a half feet or five and a half yards long.

This becomes particularly interesting when you think that each ploughman had a pretty standard measuring pole. A mediaeval ploughman with a team of eight oxen was required to till one acre a day. That was a furlong in length. Obviously a "furrowlong" was about the most four yoke of oxen could pull steadily through heavy soil before they had to rest – 220 yards.

An acre (4,840 square yards) is one furlong in length and one chain in breadth. A chain was 22 yards. OK but what’s that got to do with poles? Well it’s 22 yards – or four poles. Such a convenient length as the pole allowed easy assessment at any time in the day of how much had been ploughed of the width of the acre.

Interestingly the dividing markers between the acres were very narrow strips of unploughed land which, over the long years, as the land between them was worked and in consequence sank a little, appeared to be raised. When crop rotation allowed land to lie fallow, any games played on its rich grass would be dictated by those markers. So you might push some stumps in and throw balls at them, on a wicket 22 yards long. Gosh let’s call it cricket.

Looking down the furrow, to where the oxen turned and rested, one acre butted up to the next, and small mounds rose from the ground. They were called butts and were utilised, as butts are today, as protection for those who stood behind the archery targets. And how long was a furrow again? About 220 yards. A good distance to be deadly accurate with a longbow.

This is a picture of my younger son on the battlefield at Crécy on the anniversary of the battle last summer, excercising his right as an Englishman to shoot a bow that is much too big for him on a french field , in honour of his ancestors (who were big bastards due to all that ploughing, ox-goading and archery practice).

Categories: History_ English Language_

Theo's made the Squad

2006-05-08T16:10:00.000+01:00

Theo Walcott that is. He's in England's provisional World Cup squad, one of only four strikers in the 23-man squad, alongside injured pair Wayne Rooney and Michael Owen, and Peter Crouch.

Blimey.

Makes you think dunnit...

Those of you who are regular readers (all three of you) will be aware that this 17 year old lad is a friend of my daughter's. Not only do I feel older than the hills, I cannot belieeeeeeeeve that my Evil Daughter is dating a chav when she could be seeing a nice wholesome boy like Theo (who is unlikely to find himself strapped for the price of a pint in the near future).

Do you know what she said about him when he went to Arsenal? "Oh Theo's alright, but he doesn't drink. Bit boring really...!"

Boring? But he's playing for ENGLAND IN THE WORLD CUP!!!!!!!! What did I do in a past life to deserve such a daughter?

Update 6.55pm

Well she's mildly impressed...

"It's quite good, playing for England, isn't it?" Yes dear! It's ENGLAND - the NATION!

"I mean it's every 17 year old boy's dream." Not many!

"I suppose I have a claim to fame." See what I have to work with, brings it all round to herself?

"But he's still a bit boring, if you know what I mean!" You what?????????????!!!!

What is this for? Updated 07/05/06 and again 08/05/06

2006-05-04T22:08:00.000+01:00

Well, I've been making stuff. But why has Gav been making stuff is the question...?

Here's a picture clue. Clearly not finished. But what will he be? And what is he for?

Answers on a postcard....

Fuck that for a game of soldiers I spent my yoof engaging with Blue Peter! Comment away!

Edit: 22:30
I feel guilty now. It's not a portrait. Just because it looks like Samuel Beckett, the BFG or Derek down the pub doesn't count. It should read, "What's it for?" not "Who is he?" because he isn't anybody really. He just came out that way...

Let's call him Chicken George...but he does look like Beckett though.

Edit: Sunday 7th May half elevenish

Isn't it interesting what a difference the styling makes? Here he is in colour, 'tache drying on the le creuset palette...

...and here he is, moustache a'bristling, complete with a coat of exterior varnish...well he looks a lot less spectral with a coat of perma tan, and it does exactly what it says on the tin.

My younger daughter (not the Evil One) thinks he looks like Basil Fawlty as Q now (if that makes sense).

Today's edit 08/05/06:

I've been a little disinegenuous because I wanted to string it out a bit. But it just goes to show how very perceptive my lady readers are. Between them Lucy and Katey are pretty much spot on.

Yes he's on a chicken wire armature. Covered in papier mache. Painted in acrylic. Varnished with Ronseal Outdoor Clear Satin Varnish (does exactly what it says on the tin). For use on the allotments as a scarecrow's head. But not my allotment. It's a request from Ancient George the Gardens' Steward.

He has a Major' Mess Dress that he wanted to dress it in but I'm trying to get him to donate that to the school drama department and buy him something less impressive in a charity shop. I'll let you know whether I am successful. I'll post a picture when George actually puts the damn thing up.

So well done ladies. And no Lucy you can't have a prize, you shameless hussy! You have to wait for prizes to be awarded like a good girl!

'Disadvantaged' get easier entry

2006-04-24T17:06:00.001+01:00

"University places will be offered to "disadvantaged" pupils with examination grades lower than minimum course requirements under a new national scheme according to the Telegraph."

Good God! My Evil Daughter's been disadvantaged! I've withdrawn all her privileges for badness! So has the school (very good comprehensive ex-grammar school) which has refused (quite rightly) to have her back for the Upper Sixth and if any University in it's right mind admits her after that I may have to make a unilateral tax strike in protest! I fear though such disadvantage is not what they mean.

Now if the current chav that she's dating were to father a baby on her all might be different - at Leeds Uni anyway... But I fail to see why the hell that should beget her any kind of special treament!

How can I have spawned a son who was Head of House, got straight A's, went to King's to read Philosophy and think, and then HER?! Spoilt or what? Aaaaaaaaghhh!

Happy St Georges' Day!

2006-04-23T14:26:00.000+01:00

I am SOOOOOOOOO glad I'm English!

Google has taken the right attitude...

Behold! Oh ye of little faith!

2006-04-18T17:34:00.000+01:00

Thus the work of a Tonka toy may be marvelled at!

'Tis not commonly thought of as a gardening tool...however, ye olde allotment holders doth marvel at the efficiency of said tool!

Double digging? Ea-sy! Ea-sy!

Spring has definitely sprung

2006-04-16T11:04:00.000+01:00

I've been doing a spot of gardening. As you can see from the picture above, Fester has been most helpful.

We recently had a letter from the council about the state of the allotment. Admittedly it was a bit dire but that's no reason to take it off us. It had got away from the boy last year, but heck you don't get all those A grades by keeping your veg plot up to scratch.

So we decided to take it in hand. Well actually Mrs C decided I should take it in hand. She required double digging if you please. With manure. And helpfully suggested I hire a machine. It seems she had a different sort of machine in mind though...something in more of the rotivator line...

Fester is OFFICIALLY a cowardy custard!

2006-04-15T16:52:00.000+01:00

More to follow... Got to paint an easter bunny face...back in a bit...

Back now: Just look at that fat hand.... you'd think that great big beast was invincible.

However, it turns out that Fester is a wuss. A pussy. A complete and utter cowardy custard.

He can scare the dog next door... but my next door but two neighbours have taken in a rescue cat. Theo. He's hard as nails. He was a stray with a bit of a history. Even his previous foster carers returned him to the cats home for anti-social behaviour...

Well great big Fest is being bullied. He comes tearing home like greased lightening with Theo on his heels. He's been crashing through the cat flap at high speed and breaking the damn thing. It says big cat on the box. I think we may have to upgrade to large dog pet door...

Crikey O'Reilly.

Subversives seen taking photos of lamp post

2006-03-24T13:21:00.000Z

If it's not the traffic wardens it's the coppers! As reported in The Sun.

Three subversive schoolboys, Danny Finn, 12, George Supple, 13, and Michael Fern, 13, in a fit of madness pull out a mobile phone/camera and take a photo of a lamp post. Shocking!

As a citizen of this fine land, I am reassureed to learn the police take a dim view of such incidents. Two community police officers arrived on the scene. They assessed the situation. They spoke to the boys and issued Danny with paperwork. It reads: “Reason for stop: ‘Was seen taking photos of lamp post – spoken to.’”

Talk about Police Lite!

Via Arm Chair Activist

Would you adam and eve it !!!

2006-03-23T16:47:00.000Z

From icbirmingham
STUNNED motorists have been hit with £60 parking fines - after council workmen painted yellow lines AROUND their cars in a Birmingham street...

This bit is priceless, "On one occasion police were called to Saltley when a Control Plus traffic warden ordered a tow truck to remove an illegally-parked car - with two children still in the back." You have to be a very special sort of person to be a traffic warden...

It's not 1st April yet is it?

Phallic Logo Awards

2006-03-21T14:22:00.000Z

Many of my readers may be aware that I take a keen interest in matters of graphic design and corporate identity. So too, it would seem, do Pontins, who found out about their inclusion in b3ta's now -legendary phallic logo awards.

"They've now decided on a tiny change to the logo to remove said cockage," gleefully reports Artyzyph. "Across the whole company. AT TREMENDOUS COST!"

Compare / contrast for yourself:
http://www.b3ta.com/features/phalliclogoawards/
http://www.pontins.com/

Nice work!

If only...

2006-03-21T14:04:00.000Z

War of Attrition

2006-03-16T14:11:00.000Z

For what it's worth my money is on War of Attrition in the Gold Cup tomorrow...

Edit: Friday 15.45
Thank you Ladies and Gents! War takes it in spectacular fashion!

Watch this space for more of Corder's Top Tips!

Flatulism will get you everywhere

2006-03-16T12:40:00.000Z

Beanfeast by Jacob Jordaens 1593-1678

Ows is waxing lyrical again about orgies which he refers to as "beanos". Beanos are of course short for beanfeasts. But Ows doesn't tell his loyal readers what a beano actually is...and what have beans got to do with it anyway?

Actually the old feast of beans theory doesn't stack up. The expression harks from the days of peasants holding land from a feudal overlord which was paid for in the labour service of the tenant. Frankly I've had my time with my feudal overlords and they can fuck right off. However...

Every holding owed a certain number of days work a week (say three) - plus extra days at haysel (nothing to do with Juventus, everything to do with haymaking), harvest and sowing - as many as were needed to get the job done. So it would appear that your average serf worked more than half his time on the lord's desmesne, and so was seldom free to cultivate his own holding.

This was not as bad as it sounds though.

A holding owed the work of one man only. When the serf's son was old enough he could work in his father's stead. Mrs Serf and the younger children would work the holding in the meantime and between them they could do more than a single man (Good old Mrs S!!). By custom the 'days's work' ended at dinner time, leaving the afternoon free. For the extra days at periods of special pressure your serf must work until sunset, but the bailiff must give him his dinner. At harvest time the whole village turns out to reap, from toddlers to old women - because until the harvest has been gathered no-one can be sure of food for the winter.

The recurring days of work every week were known as weekworks, and the extra days at times of special pressure as benefica, or in English as beneworks. The modern beanfeast or beano, still given by some firms to their employees, is really the benefeast, held at the end of the harvest benework.

So a beano is nothing to do with beans or orgies, however a post title with a flatulent pun is too good to miss...

Category: English Language_

Did I just hear that right?

2006-03-07T17:06:00.000Z

Sainsbury's has offered a five thousand pound reward to catch the man who raped an 11 year old girl in their store.

Five thousand? I was waiting for the hundred. As in FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND.

If a child is raped on my premises whether at my home or at my business, should I not be a bit more anxious to apprehend the culprit than 5 thousand quid's worth?

Corder on Deep Cover Mission

2006-03-06T18:09:00.000Z

Greetings to those who've missed me! It's really quite gratifying to know you care!

While you have been on the edge of your seat awaiting my next blog post from cyber space, you'll never guess where I've been! It's all very hush hush, but I've been in deep cover in... REALITY!

Crikey. I know it's shocking but I haven't touched a computer for weeks and I've had to blag it but I've been trying to get by in the REAL world by passing myself off as a native. It's not been easy. But I don't think I was rumbled. And it was a TOP SECRET VERY IMPORTANT MISSION.

Phew! All this incognito secret agent stuff is tough - give me the blogsphere any day! I know my place...!

* UNDERCOVER CLOWN is an upcoming Platinum Studios graphic novel by Devin Hylton. Concept art by Dean Motter.

Smoke dreams

2006-02-14T19:42:00.000Z

Well they done it. MPs have voted by huge margins to ban smoking from all public places including pubs and private members' clubs in England.

Let's open the book now: what are the odds on the first successful legal challenge?

My money's on a Rastafarian. While it's true the US ruled that Rastafari do not have the religious right to smoke ganja in violation of drug laws. And the Court of Appeal case of R. v. Taylor [2002] 1 Cr. App. R. 37, it was held that the UK's prohibition on cannabis use did not contravene the right to freedom of religion conferred under the European Convention of Human Rights and Fundamental Freedoms.

My guess is that prohibiting the social and cultural aspects of smoking is in contrevention. Surely people may gather and smoke a placebo...?

Government view on Smoking "Hazy"

2006-02-14T15:40:00.000Z

Ahead of a series of key Commons votes later today, the Government has come under increased criticism for sending mixed messages on the anti smoking bill.

The Health Sectretary Patricia Hewitt says she'll vote for a total ban, although the Department of Health is backing its original plans to allow smoking in private membership clubs and non-food serving pubs.

Far from giving a clear steer, the Prime Minister is understood to be taking a relaxed view, he commented, "Yeah whatever, man. Chill. Anyone got any munch?"

Gareth who spells toke in a strange Canadian way started this...but mine's cleaner. And more topical. And I'm on Day 20 as a born-again non-smoker so everyone else can suffer!

Is there such a thing as too much Lurpak?

2006-02-11T18:10:00.000Z

I'm all for buying Danish - on principle - but man cannot survive on chips, beans, white bread and Lurpak alone.

Scott Martin who existed on such a diet died of malnutrition, aged just 20. He bled to death on Christmas Eve after suffering medical complications after an operation to remove three infected teeth. He had cirrhosis of the liver (but didn't drink) and developed a secondary condition, auto-immune hepatitis, which thinned his blood and prevented his body from healing properly.

Now don't get me wrong. This is not Lurpak's fault. Lurpak is excellent butter. In dairy, as in meats, being Danish has meant being good. And to boycott their produce really is a bit rich on ethical grounds. It is undeniable that the cartoons were run, almost without ripple, until the OUTSIDE world reacted. Inside Denmark, few saw a problem with them. Everyone knows it.

"Denmark, along with its Scandanavian neighbours, has been serious about social justice. It is a vigorously ethical nation, where integrity prevails and equality is subscribed to as a guiding principle.

Generally, the Danish are well-liked abroad and well-respected, with little prejudice against them anywhere, let alone backlash."

But the same article makes the very valid point that companies that use their nationality as a selling point are tying their fortunes to the acts of politicians and newspapers, and even to a nation's minorities, from football hooligans to travellers abroad.

So, while I prefer my butter the English way, salty...mmmn like my bacon.... (OK I KNOW I'm unreconstructed), I particularly liked the Lurpak commercials with Douglas (the little Aardman animation chappy) and the Penelope Keith voice-over. So in the interests of health and international harmony, I am proposing a revival of Douglas for the World Cup - football hooligan Douglas - sport, politics, religion, nationalism and healthy eating in one neat package - so educational.

Just remember children, balance, in diet as in all things is key! What about a percussion section?

Totally on message.